Cosmo Mag Writes 37 Signs That You Need To Go Home From a Party

A bunch of girls have been posting a Cosmo article on social media lately giving the 37 Signs That You Need to Go Home, and I hate it. What a bunch of bullshit. If you can't figure out that you need to leave a party because there's no one else there, then you ma'am are an idiot.

I'm here to debunk this article.


Here are a select few of their signs: (37 reasons is a ridiculously long list. Who needs 37 reasons to do anything?)

1. You dropped your phone in the toilet. Fortunately you're too drunk to comprehend what might have been in there before your phone.

If you leave a party because of this, then you should just hand over your college ID and go study on Saturday nights instead. Shoutout to all the real homies that don't care and grab your phone anyways.

2. You're crying.

You are a huge loser with no friends.

3. You're having hand/eye coordination problems. Potentially lethal to others on the dance floor.

Almost positive every single time a person gets drunk this happens. Might be science. Don't know how this would surprise anyone at a party that you can no longer walk in a straight line after 6 shots of Fireball.

4. You're doing multiple shots even when a part of you knows it will be a bad idea 10 minutes later. 

What else are you gonna do at a party? Sit in a corner and sip on a beer?

5. You're considering having sex with someone you are 100 percent not attracted to. When sober and in the daytime, thinking about putting your lips on this person's lips is enough to make you want to take a Silkwood shower.

?????? What is this lady thinking? At this point in the article I've given up on understanding women's thoughts.

6. You're stuffing something into your face you bought from a food cart. You almost forget that this happened the next day.

I absolutely forget that this happened the next day...Also, aren't I already gone from the party if I'm eating at a food cart?

7. It's after 2 A.M. Nothing good happens after 2 A.M.

EXCEPT FOR EVERYTHING. Sex. Food. 3 A.M.

8. You have peed somewhere that isn't a bathroom. And asked a friend to keep watch though she probably did not.

I would piss my pants at every party if I could only pee in a bathroom. Gotta get creative.

9. Cocaine is somewhere near you. Go home.
Uhhhh. Moving on.

10. You fell down. Go home before you experience further humiliation.

Everyone is definitely laughing at you at this point. But at least you nailed the landing. Chicks dig battle scars anyways.

11. You forget that you are Poor and start buying drinks for everyone. Alternatively: What happened to your credit card? It was here a second ago!
First off, I've never seen a group of girls buy drinks. EVER. Second, what is money for if you can't spend it with all of your friends you cheap bastard.

12. You almost just started a fight with a random girl who bumped into your chair because she "disrespected" you. Get enough Jose Cuervo in an American Literature Ph.D with a focus on Emily Dickinson, and even SHE might get possessed by the cast ofJersey Shore and try to rip another girl's bangs off.

Everyone at the party can't wait for a fight. Believe me. If it happens to be girls, that's about 50x better.

37. You are bumping and grinding on your girlfriends. 

This one is true. If you are dancing with your girlfriends, that means you aren't dancing with a man, which means you should leave the party ASAP, you prude.

There you have it.
Your article is officially toast, Cosmo.