Opening Day: GO SOX

2004:

 2007:

2013:

2014?

Brooks Orpik is a Criminal

ICYMI, Jonathan Toews got absolutely blindsided by Brooks Orpik in last nights game against the Penguins. I know I shouldn't root for the Blackhawks, but as a fan of the game, you hate to see goons go after the best players on the other team. Brooks Orpik has this tendency to go after the players that he knows won't retaliate, which leads me to believe that he's too much of a pussy to defend himself.

Exhibit A: Shawn Thornton gives him a couple of love taps and he has to be stretchered off.

Exhibit B: Blindsides Loui Eriksson

Exhibit C: Pummels Jeff Skinner after Skinner returns from concussion

Exhibit D: Hits Derek Stepan in the knee in the open ice

I really do hope he makes it far enough to play the Bruins or the Flyers in the playoffs...I'd like to see him pull that shit again with Thornton or Lucic on the ice. 100 bucks says he backs off and causes an instigation penalty. Pussy.

Mickey Mouse and Friends Doing the Nae Nae Is Must Watch Stuff

Before you watch this, this video will ruin your childhood. Bunch of lovable, innocent cartoons doing a hood ass dance and NAILING IT. Some really fucked up images in this include: Donald Duck laying an egg,  Donald Duck taking a shit, and Minnie Mouse acting like that shit don't stink.

Goofy is the MVP of this video starting at 2:17. Tears up the floor.

DeSean Jackson's Release Statement Was Heartfelt

Up until the point where he misspelled Andy Reid's name. Bro, its not like your trying to spell Belichick. Literally took like 7 Google searches in my lifetime to figure out how to spell Belichick correctly. But Andy Reid???

Other than that, this statement is 100% bullshit. DeSean Jackson not being gang affiliated is the greatest lie ever told. Watch either of the videos below and try and debate this.

BaneCat Is the Best Cat Ever

I HATE cats. But BaneCat is a cat I can stand behind.

"Or perhaps he's wondering why someone would give him a treat before throwing him into that caaage."

If I ever got a cat/girlfriend that happened to own a cat, I would tailor this awesome coat and mask and play Bane clips all the time to keep me entertained.

Hat tip to Chris S. for posting it on Facebook

Today's Nightmare Fuel: Photographer Transforms Model Into Marge Simpson

Photographer and Stylists Transform Model Into Real Life Marge Simpson Complete With Towering Blue Bouffant

LaughingSquid.com - As part of his remarkable series, “The Art of Face“, Russian photographer Alexander Kholov along with make-up artist Veronica Ershova and hair stylist Mikhail Kravchenko, transformed a model into a real life Marge Simpson, the beloved mom from the long-running Fox Network cartoon, The Simpsons. The centerpiece of the makeover, however, was the re-creation of Marge’s towering blue bouffant, which was made with chrysanthemums which were spray painted blue and attached to a wire cage.

Alexander Kholov just ruined my dreams for the next week with this. Looks like a bizarro world Marge Simpson that can potentially suck your soul but just looking at you. It's like the clown in Staten Island in the sense that if this Marge Simpson stood outside in the dark alone, I'd run away screaming and probably definitely piss myself. By the way, this looks like an awful lot of work for one picture. Complete waste of time.

P.S. Remember when Marge Simpson was on the cover of Maxim? Fucked up world we live in.

P.S.S. I've never met a woman named Marge that wasn't 300+ lbs. Used to have a bus driver in high school we named "Large Marge" that had like 3 teeth and a fupa. Scarred me for life.

Bruins vs. Blackhawks Tonight

Big. Big Game. Big Game Today.

Stanley Cup 2013 Rematch.

Tonight on NBC at 7.

Time to prove that the B's are the best team in NHL and exorcise the demons from last years disappointing Cup bid. I'd love nothing better than to cream these bozos. 

Gear up for the playoffs, boys. This year we're going all the way.

The Blackhawks are gonna look like this after the game:

Ray Rice Indicted for Aggravated Assualt

Ouch. That one stings if you're a Ravens fan. Not only did he suck balls last year, he's gonna be out at least another year with this charge. 

If you aren't familiar with what this was associated with, Ray allegedly knocked his girlfriend/boo out and dragged her limp body through a hotel earlier this year/late last year (I don't keep up with the dates). This is a big no-no.

Although, knowing the judicial system in this country, he'll probably only get 30 days probation because he's famous. Like there's no way you can keep Ray Rice in prison for 3-5 years. He'll escape through the cracks and be 5 miles from the prison before the alarm rings. Unless of course there's a football in his hands, in which case he'll either trip into razor wire or fumble it.

Red Sox Visiting Barry O April 1st: Jonny Gomes Picks Up a Sweet Present

Call the fire department! This one is out of control!!!!

Best possible gift ever for the president. What if he started rocking this to different countries? Boss move. I can see it now, Barry O with a joint in his mouth and a 6 pack of Bud in his right hand, rocking the stars and stripes for the world to see.

These bad larrys are about $395 a pop. My entire wardrobe probably doesn't cost that much.

If you're in the market for one though, the link is below.

http://us.loudmouthgolf.com/index.php/made-to-order/men/men-s-sport-coats/stars-and-stripes-sport-coat.html

Breakfast Poll Results: New Poll

The question last week was, "What do you eat before work/school most days?" 

And the results show a pretty even distribution, with breakfast less than half the week winning with 4 votes. It really is tough to get the motivation to cook yourself/buy a full breakfast everyday before work.

This week the poll is "What is the worst thing to hear at work/school?"

There are many awful things to hear from a superior at work but these 5 are by far the worst, other than of course, "You're fired/You failed."

Vote on the top right!

Want to Learn How to Dance? (Participation Required For This Blog)

Instructions for this blog:

Let's see if you can handle this. Click on the link below (infinite looper).

http://www.infinitelooper.com/?v=JG-b6RAP0Bo

Good, now there should be a looped video of a guy dancing.

Click on the song below. Don't watch the video, it's garbage. Bump the song though.



Full screen the infinitelooper video and enjoy.

I don't know why I enjoyed it so much but I did. 100% chance those moves get busted out next time I go out on the town.

NFL (No Fun League) Bans Dunking on Goalpost Next Season

I totally understand. I mean what happens when a player holds on and falls and gets a concussion? This could stop all these ridiculous injuries caused by goalpost dunking! 

Or what about when Vernon Davis goes up and gets rejected by the post? No need for that type of embarrassment for the poor guy.

You do you, Roger Godell.

I swear that ESPN just did a documentary on how awesome dunking was like a week ago.

"Turn Down For What" Has the Most Absurd Music Video

WTF did I just watch.

Reason #100000 Why Bill Belichick is the Man

(Press play on the youtube vid first)

Fantastic.

UPDATE:

CRUSHING the NFL owners meetings.

Nick Cannon Does Whiteface: Internet Explodes

Before we start here, I just wanna say that I am not the least bit offended by this. Calling it racist is in itself, racist. I think its hilarious and stereotypes have always amused me. If you are a fan of the Chappelle show, then you are amused by these stereotypes too. How about Chuck Taylor?

That shit was funny as hell. ALSO, white people were not enslaved in this continent ever soooo why not allow a black comedian to slap some paint on his face and act like a spoiled white kid? 

I understand that a white guy putting blackface on is a lot different than the other way around. It just is. No need to justify it. Just don't do it. Black people have a lot of slack due to the period of time between when our white great-great-great grandfathers went to Africa and stole a bunch of muscular dudes to the mid 60's, when they had to sit on the back of a bus. Fucked up shit, but you can't change that now.

Johnny Manziel Throwing DOWN

How do you pass up on him in the draft now??? Jerseys would fly off the racks. Guy can dunk and he can run faster than everyone. Guarantee the Browns and Texans pass up on him and completely regret it.

Mark Sanchez's Goodbye Letter Is Awesome

"Back to Back AFC Champions once!!!! Exciting fourth quarter comebacks a couple of times!! I gave you and the Jets everything I had, which was sub par and awesomely hilarious for Pats fans."

- Mark Sanchez

How lame is that hand drawn football in his signature? As if anyone needs to be reminded that you play football. Dick.

NEVER FORGET:

Must Follow Instagram: Genevieve Morton

FriendTopia needed some flavor today. Not enough sideboob this week.

There's something about the name Genevieve. So mystical.

Tampa Bay Bucs WR Mike Williams Stabbed by his Brother During a "Playful Wrestling Match"

NESN - Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver Mike Williams reportedly is not pressing charges against his brother after what now appears to be a case of horseplay gone wrong. Williams was hospitalized Sunday after his 23-year-old brother, Eric Baylor, allegedly stabbed him in the leg with a kitchen knife. A Hillsborough Police spokeswoman told FOX Sports the stabbing was accidental, though, and was the result of what was initially a “playful wrestling match” between the siblings. Police issued a warrant after some witnesses at the scene “conveyed to police it was not merely horseplay between the brothers,” the spokeswoman said.

SHENANIGANS.

Standard case of little bro vs. big bro wrestling match where the loser whips out a knife and stabs the other one in the thigh. There is no way that this is a playful wrestling match. Even in real wrestling or when your fighting someone else, once a knife is pulled out, it becomes a knife fight/attempted murder.

Mike Williams' brother definitely knows something very illegal that Mike Williams does not want the cops knowing about. Ultimate blackmail. Whatever it was, it was super duper illegal (cough cough Aaron Hernandez). If someone stabs me in the thigh, whoever it is, they're gonna get all the charges I can think of.

NFL is one big crime syndicate in my opinion. Players selling drugs to each other and shootings everywhere over drug debts. Pretty solid conspiracy theory.

David Ortiz Ain't Going Nowhere

ESPN - FORT MYERS, Fla. -- The Boston Red Sox have reached an agreement with David Ortiz that all but assures the iconic slugger will finish his career in a Boston uniform, and eliminates what had become an annual rite of spring -- Ortiz looking to add more years to his contract.

According to multiple sources, Ortiz agreed to a $16 million extension for the 2015 season, a $1 million bump from the $15 million he will be paid in 2014. Also in place is a club/vesting option for the 2016 season that will automatically kick in if Ortiz achieves a certain number of plate appearances, and a club option for 2017. If the option years are fulfilled, Ortiz will remain under Red Sox control into his 40s -- he turns 42 on Nov. 18, 2017, the final year of the deal.

Chills...

I can watch the Papi nutshot all day. That kid is gonna grow up and tell everyone that he is the only person ever to bring down Big Papi with one swing.

Matt Moore Hit In Face With Xander Bogaerts Liner: Says Stupid Shit After

ESPN - FORT MYERS, Fla. -- Matt Moore walked off the field after being hit in the mouth by a line drive that he partially blocked with his glove in the fourth inning of the Tampa Bay Rays' 9-2 win over the Boston Red Sox on Sunday.

Moore got his glove up just in time to deflect a line shot by Boston's Xander Bogaerts, recovering to throw out Bogaerts for the final out of the inning. Moore lifted his jersey up to his lip, which was bleeding.

But that also ended Moore's outing as he was driven from the field, sitting up in a cart.

"Right now there's no dizziness, I understand, no headaches. That's a good thing," Rays manager Joe Maddon said. "Let's just wait until tomorrow and see what's concluded."

Moore will have X-rays on Monday to make sure there are no fractures in his jaw or broken roots for his teeth.

Moore said his jaw below his right ear is sore from the impact.

"I remember as soon as it hit me just looking for the ball, which I feel very fortunate that I didn't fall and cover my face. It kind of hit me right on the mouth, I think," he said.

"It happened really fast. It's not like I tracked it the whole way in and I saw it hit my mouth. It was like boom-boom. Boom, there's the ball, get it. Probably very fortunate this happened on a Sunday, the Lord's day and maybe not another day. I definitely feel fortunate to just have it hit my mouth and not anywhere potentially more dangerous."

Are you positive there's no brain damage going on here???

"Probably very fortunate this happened on a Sunday, the Lord's day and maybe not another day"

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You mean to tell me that because it was Sunday and God blew the ball two inches down on your face that you're fortunate? Matt Moore definitely still believes in divine creation and that dinosaurs aren't real. Sunday has no magical properties that prevent people from dying or getting hit in the temple with baseballs.

P.S. Is this the most grim google search of all time?

P.S.S. No one has done any research on people dying by day of the week, proving that Sunday is not special.

Egypt Sentences 528 Supporters of the Muslim Brotherhood to Death

(CNN) -- An Egyptian court sentenced at least 528 supporters of the Muslim Brotherhood to death Monday on charges related to violent riots in the southern Egyptian city of Minya last August, including the murder of a police officer, the country's official news agency said.

The riots took place after a deadly crackdown by security forces on two large sit-ins in Cairo, where demonstrators were supporting ousted President Mohammed Morsy.

While the official MENA news agency reported 528 death sentences, other Egyptian media said 529 people were sentenced to death.

Egypt is NOT fucking around. They take terrorism seriously huh? It's been a calendar year since suspect number two blew up Boylston Street, and he's still wasting tax payer money in jail. Should've followed Egypt's lead and just immediately sentenced him to death.

528 people is a LOT of people. Hope they have enough bullets to carry out these sentences or its gonna get awkward when they start feeding the remaining death row inmates moldy food to try and kill them.

Big D's Bracket Picks

Anyone who didn't pick Dayton to win that game in their billion dollar bracket is an idiot. Here's my picks for you to all watch me get rich quick.

8 Phrases All 20-Something Women Can't Live Without: In Guy GIFS That We Can Understand

This Is Our Dictionary: 8 Phrases All 20-Something Women Can’t Live Without

Another day, another female blog to shit on. This time its 8 Phrases All 20-Something Women Can’t Live Without, which seems pretty accurate. I have provided GIFS to illustrate our meanings of the phrases. Here we go:

1.) Don’t Judge Me

Why we use it: This is the phrase that is uttered before a girl is about to tell/ask/explain something extremely odd to one of her friends. It really doesn’t matter if your friend is going to judge you or not as long as you throw that introduction before whatever it is you are about to disclose. This basically eliminates the bizarre factor in regards to the entire situation.

Guy Translation: Girls, you're either about to eat something fatty or you're wearing sweatpants all day.

2.) I Literally Can’t

Why we use it (1): Let’s be honest — you most likely can, but don’t want to. This term is often used when a female is faced with some sort of activity she is finding it difficult to handle at that given moment.

Why we use it (2): The second way this favorite phrase is used is when something soo crazy is happening and she just can’t handle it.

Guy Translation: Beyonce dropped an album or the Starbucks barista fucked up your mocchiato.

3.) I Don’t Mean To Be A Bitch But…

Why we use it: to preface and excuse the bitchy comment that is sure to follow

Guy Translation: You are a huuuuuge bitch.

4.) I’m Dying

Why we use it (1): to express how sh*tty and hungover we feel; this is usually expressed over text or Gchat

Why we use it (2): similar/interchangeable with the second way we use the second version of “I literally can’t”

Guy Translation: You had three glasses of wine and one red bull.

5.) Honestly…

Why we use it: To reveal a harsh true that is 99 percent f*cked up, but we are using the fact that it is true to excuse our rudeness.

Guy Translation: Something really personal follows the phrase, "Honestly...". Usually too personal.

6.) Awkward…

Why we use it: Because we have nothing else constructive to say

Guy Translation: No translation necessary. The female that uttered this has an irresistible urge to state obvious things and has no filter on her brain to mouth communications.

7.) FML

Why we use it: To express and exaggerate our unfortunate circumstances

Guy Translation: You're check engine light came on or you failed a test. Meanwhile in Africa...

8.) Seriously

Why we use it: To emphasize how important the topic of discussion is regardless if using this term makes sense whatsoever

Guy Translation: This girl is about to get mean/you are going to get bitchslapped.

Perfect Bracket Right Here Folks

(Click to Enlarge)

ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK!

I didn't want to give you all the secret to a billion dollars, but here it is...Kansas Michigan in the finals, with Michigan choking again in the finals.

I smell a real FriendTopia blogger challenge coming...

Christopher Walken Dance Mashup

This is fantastic.

TB12 and Gisele Are Moving Into Boston Full Time

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen put Los Angeles estate on market for $50 million, will move to Boston

MassLive - (Boston)

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and his supermodel wife Gisele Bundchen have put their lavish Los Angeles estate on the market for a cool $50 million.

The couple spent spent four years and $40 million building the estate, which was completed last year, but have decided to live in the Bay State year-round, according to the celebrity website TMZ.

The 14,000 square-foot, six-bedroom main house, infinity pool, waterfall and pond are located on four prime acres in the posh Brentwood neighborhood.

The couple bought the land in 2009 and built it from scratch.

“I like simplicity and coziness,” Bundchen, 33, told Architectural Digest in October. “I want to live in a place that feels like a real home, where you can put your feet up on the couch and just relax.”

Hopefully I run into Gisele sometime now so that I can ask her what kind of hair products TB12 uses. But seriously, TB12 sells his house in LA in order to move into Boston?!?! Horrible move. I'd live in LA 1000/1000 times. Infinity pool? Waterfall? Pond? So much aquatic fun that simply cannot happen anywhere in New England.

Gisele says she like simplicity. I'd make it real simple. We're putting in a movie theatre, a bowling alley, and a music studio and there's nothing you can do about it. Italian slate counters, Gold trim on the driveway and gate, helipad in the courtyard. Like I said, real simple.

Tom Brady's Wicked Accent from Tom Brady