Heisenberg VS Godzilla

VS.



"OH NO LOOK IT'S GODZILLAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I can't wait to hear that line in the new Godzilla coming out. I've got to say after spending my childhood days watching those shitty Japanese makes of Godzilla, and that awful excuse of a movie "Godzilla 2000"... I am really looking forward to seeing this movie with the CGI we are capable of producing today.

I don't believe there could be a more bad ass film coming out, I mean just think about it... you have Bryan Cranston who's fucking Heisenberg and Aaron Taylor-Johnson who literally starred in the "Kick Ass" movies. They're teaming up to take down a monster that is capable of withstanding nuclear attacks and could bring human kind back to the fucking stone age! FUCK YEAH GODZILLA!!!!!!!! FUCK YEAH WALTER WHITE!!!! I posted the trailer below in case you haven't seen how epic this will be.

Your Welcome.

EDITORS NOTE:

How bout you read the site new guy...This only got blogged about on Tuesday.

Goddamit.

Mitt Romney Is Ready for the Weekend....Are You?

Big day at FriendTopia with Totes already contributing more than most of our staff. I'll even let the KFC post slide even though I'll never get the image of the nutsack chicken out of my brain. 

Big Mitt doesn't give a fuck though. Mitt's gonna Mitt.

Have a safe (drunk) weekend!

TGIF in Honor of "The Bear"

The work week is winding down.... Time for the beer to be poured, dies to fly, and legends never die! A.K.A. The Bear

P.S. Get fucked up tonight.

Why I Can Never Eat Another KFC Famous Bowl

I'm not going to lie, I've been a man who enjoys his fast food just as much as the next guy. There is nothing I like more than waking up on a Saturday morning after boozing and getting a nice JBC and fries at Wendys. But my hometown buddy recently shared something quite disturbing to me about KFC....

 

Have you ever wondered why it's not called "Kentucky Fried Chicken"... well the reason being is that KFC isn't using real chicken and is actually serving "Genetically Manipulated Organisms"... what the fuck!? 4 LEGGED CHICKEN!?!?

 

These organisms bone structures are shrunk down to provide more meat, they are kept alive through tubes that are inserted into their bodies that pump blood and nutrients into their system, and they are fucking faceless, featherless monsters that have no reasons being on a menu.

 

Hence why KFC is not allowed to use "chicken" in it's title. So to all you KFC lovers out there *cough* "Comeau" *cough*... you may want to think again.

 

 

 

Darren Sharper Turns Himself In For Rape

Rough look for an old guy in the league who was already falling off. It makes no sense why a man with so much money and celebrity status needs to do this to a woman when he can literally just wine and dine them at the most expensive restaurant in New Orleans. Rape is something other inmates don't forgive. I really don't know that. I've learned most of my prison knowledge from Prison Mike, so the dementors might suck his soul instead.

Remember all those Aaron Hernandez jokes about going in a tight end and coming out a wide receiver? That actually might happen to Darren Sharper. Fuck rapists.

Never Forget:

DARREN SHARPER. ONE OF THE MOST HARDEST HITTING SAFETIES IN THE LEAGUE.

New Blogger Alert: Totes McGotes

Since some of my other bloggers (Kenneth G) have been recently inconsistent, I've "hired" a new blogger to start today.

Get familiar with Totes, our representative from the great state of Connecticut.

He's a simple man with a penchant for getting weird and losing his front teeth. Hopefully, he can bring some fresh energy, charisma, and some great blogs to our page.


P.S. I snuck in a couple of 10 dollar words in this blog. Hopefully you all aren't as dumb as I think you are.

P.P.S. Never call Totes soft. He will find you.

Big D's Final Meal

This was a tough decision for me to make, but I think I've narrowed it down to a three course meal.

1st Course - 70 Hot Dogs and a Stopwatch

I firmly believe that I can eat as many hot dogs as Joey Chesnut does every singly year at the Nathan's Hot Dog Challenge on the 4th of July. The only thing Joey Bag of Hot Dogs has going for him over me is the lack of fear of what happens afterwards. I'm terrified of what the rest of his week is like following that competition, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But in a scenario where there is no tomorrow, start me off with 70 hot dogs and 10 minutes on the stop watch and let me break a world record or two before my time is up.

2nd Course - Cheesecake Factory's Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake w/ Twix Bars on the side

This stuff...is so good. Gotta have it before you go.

Final Touch - Johnny Walker Blue

I'll never be comfortable purchasing a bottle this expensive knowing that it will be on my next credit card statement. If there's no tomorrow, get me this bottle because I need to know if there's a difference between Johnny Walker Red for 15 bucks and handle and the blue stuff at 275 bucks for a 750ml.

Special Request - Heroin

If a drug can make a chronic meth user feel like he's floating, consider me shot up. Probably won't even need to request it from the bailiff, Jose from a few cells down will trade it for a bite of that cheesecake.

Riley Cooper Shouldn't Have to Answer Questions About the N-Word

What kind of question is that??? Is anyone gonna answer with, "I think its a bullshit rule, I should be able to say the n word anytime I want to."? You can bet its not gonna be Riley Cooper who speaks out against it. He wishes the n-word was never even introduced into his vocabulary.

Never Forget:

Does This Look Like A Guy Who Got Caught Paying Someone Else To Kill His Wife?

Rolling Stone - The metal community continues to react to Tim Lambesis' guilty plea of attempting to hire a man to murder his wife. As fans have pondered the case in recent days, friends of the As I Lay Dying frontman tell Rolling Stone that they feel deeply conflicted about supporting the fallen metal singer.
"I definitely believe in second chances, but it’s hard to say how I’ll move forward," Doc Coyle, a musician who’s known Lambesis for nearly a decade, tells Rolling Stone. "To be honest, I don’t really know."
Lambesis was arrested in San Diego’s North County last May and initially pleaded not guilty to the charges. His lawyer, Tom Warwick, has said the singer experienced brain damage after using steroids. Prosecutors argued that Lambesis was angry with his wife, Meggan — with whom he shared three children, all adopted from Ethiopia — over custody and money issues related to their divorce. They’d been married eight years, but Meggan filed to break off their marriage in September 2012.

Well color me surprised. This is Tim Lambesis, the lead singer of As I Lay Dying. If you are not familiar with them, they are (were) a Christian metal band that was prominent in the mid 2000's.

A lot of people tell me not to judge a book by the cover, but I've been judging books by the cover since I chose the Boxcar Children over Ramona the Pest back in 4th grade.

Good ol' Tim here got busted trying to hire an assassin to kill his wife after custody issues stemming from their divorce. Probably should've hired someone in the "wet work" business instead. 

PS: I saw As I Lay Dying at the 2007 Warped Tour and I've never been so scared. They had three huge mosh pits and people were being stretchered out left and right. This one kid crowd surfed to the stage and the lead singer (Murder Tim) picked him up by the shirt and threw him about 7 rows deep. Oh yeah, totally never gonna kill anyone in the future when his steroids melt his brain.

Challenge: Make it through the first 1:00 of this video without lowering the volume. Impossible.

PPS: WOW completely read over the part in the article where it says all of his children were adopted from Ethiopia. Is it that easy to take kids from Africa and claim them? Don't answer that.

A Deeper Look into Aaron Hernandez's Jailhouse Fight

I know I am a few days behind on this but I needed some time for the story to develop. There has been a great amount of chatter online regarding this story and I think it is time that I speak up. A few people were talking about how they weren't surprised that Aaron fucked some dude up in jail given his pro football career, seeing as he takes on linemen and tries to avoid getting jacked up by some of the most athletic men on the planet. Which, obviously is a valid point.

Then some more news came out that the man Hernandez attacked was in handcuffs.

TMZ - The victim in the Aaron Hernandez jail fight was in HANDCUFFS at the time of the attack …

Once this little tidbit of information came out people started talking about how Aaron is such a terrible human being. Um, excuse me people you realize he fucking murdered a dude and then smashed his phone and surveillance system to try to prove his innocence, right? I know he has not been convicted but I think we all know that he murdered that dude back in June whether the law can prove it or not.

Now regarding the jailhouse fight. There are reports that the man had been harassing Hernandez before the altercation took place. Hernandez, who is normally kept away from the general population of the jail was allowed to take a walk down an isolated hallway. When he happened upon the man who had been giving him some grief.

TMZ - Officials had placed Hernandez in solitary confinement out of concern he would be a target behind bars due to his celebrity status. 


The way I see it is Aaron has been stuck in solitary confinement, having other prisoners talking shit about him and he cannot do anything about it. He finally gets out of his small cell for a walk and he happens to run into a dude that has beef with him. So he attacked, Aaron is like an animal stuck in a cage getting poked and prodded by other inmates. When he is finally let out he happens to run into one, so he fucked him up. I don't think it would have mattered if this guy was in handcuffs or pulling a shank out of his ass, I still think, rather I know Aaron would have still attacked this dude. Hernandez is a cold blooded killer, he doesn't care if this dude was gift wrapped and given to him. He saw the opportunity and he took it, can you really blame him for that?

On another note, when taking an inmate for a walk down a isolated hallway in a jail do the guards really just open up the door to the hallway and say, "Have fun Aaron, we will be back in a half hour." Why wasn't there a guard accompanying him on this nice little walk. Another point, where were the guards that handcuffed this dude and brought him down the hallway. There is no way the guards would allow a guy they just handcuffed to either walk down or stand in the hallway without supervision. This has conspiracy written all over it. I think I have seen enough television and movies where I can undoubtedly say this was a setup. Think about it, it only takes one prison guard to be Aaron's biggest fan. A quick autographed jersey from Aaron and boom he gets a guy whos been talking all the shit set up on a silver platter. 

I just want to set things straight, I am not one of those dumb asses who followed hernandez from courthouse to courthouse rocking his jersey and holding up free hernandez signs. All I am saying here is that I understand why he attacked this dude. I know he is a killer and the fact that he was nasty at football and a huge target for Brady is a thing of the past. Although, do I wish Hernandez was there to assist the Pats in the AFC game versus Denver? Of course, but on the chance that we took down Manning for the second time in the season we still would have gotten curb stomped by the Seahawks and been embarrassed in front of the entire country. So maybe everything does happen for a reason? Who knows.

Huell From Breaking Bad Is A Stand Up Comedian?

I can't understand one word he's saying but its funny cuz it's Huell.

Jeff Gordon in Test Drive 2

Great prank. I had my doubts about the first video too, but this one is 100% real. 

Cosmo Mag Writes 37 Signs That You Need To Go Home From a Party

A bunch of girls have been posting a Cosmo article on social media lately giving the 37 Signs That You Need to Go Home, and I hate it. What a bunch of bullshit. If you can't figure out that you need to leave a party because there's no one else there, then you ma'am are an idiot.

I'm here to debunk this article.


Here are a select few of their signs: (37 reasons is a ridiculously long list. Who needs 37 reasons to do anything?)

1. You dropped your phone in the toilet. Fortunately you're too drunk to comprehend what might have been in there before your phone.

If you leave a party because of this, then you should just hand over your college ID and go study on Saturday nights instead. Shoutout to all the real homies that don't care and grab your phone anyways.

2. You're crying.

You are a huge loser with no friends.

3. You're having hand/eye coordination problems. Potentially lethal to others on the dance floor.

Almost positive every single time a person gets drunk this happens. Might be science. Don't know how this would surprise anyone at a party that you can no longer walk in a straight line after 6 shots of Fireball.

4. You're doing multiple shots even when a part of you knows it will be a bad idea 10 minutes later. 

What else are you gonna do at a party? Sit in a corner and sip on a beer?

5. You're considering having sex with someone you are 100 percent not attracted to. When sober and in the daytime, thinking about putting your lips on this person's lips is enough to make you want to take a Silkwood shower.

?????? What is this lady thinking? At this point in the article I've given up on understanding women's thoughts.

6. You're stuffing something into your face you bought from a food cart. You almost forget that this happened the next day.

I absolutely forget that this happened the next day...Also, aren't I already gone from the party if I'm eating at a food cart?

7. It's after 2 A.M. Nothing good happens after 2 A.M.

EXCEPT FOR EVERYTHING. Sex. Food. 3 A.M.

8. You have peed somewhere that isn't a bathroom. And asked a friend to keep watch though she probably did not.

I would piss my pants at every party if I could only pee in a bathroom. Gotta get creative.

9. Cocaine is somewhere near you. Go home.
Uhhhh. Moving on.

10. You fell down. Go home before you experience further humiliation.

Everyone is definitely laughing at you at this point. But at least you nailed the landing. Chicks dig battle scars anyways.

11. You forget that you are Poor and start buying drinks for everyone. Alternatively: What happened to your credit card? It was here a second ago!
First off, I've never seen a group of girls buy drinks. EVER. Second, what is money for if you can't spend it with all of your friends you cheap bastard.

12. You almost just started a fight with a random girl who bumped into your chair because she "disrespected" you. Get enough Jose Cuervo in an American Literature Ph.D with a focus on Emily Dickinson, and even SHE might get possessed by the cast ofJersey Shore and try to rip another girl's bangs off.

Everyone at the party can't wait for a fight. Believe me. If it happens to be girls, that's about 50x better.

37. You are bumping and grinding on your girlfriends. 

This one is true. If you are dancing with your girlfriends, that means you aren't dancing with a man, which means you should leave the party ASAP, you prude.

There you have it.
Your article is officially toast, Cosmo.

How Not to Play Hockey: Canucks Edition

Edler just got Tyrone the Turkey'd. Fractured C2 probably.

What Would Galls Order As A Last Meal If He Were On Death Row?

Didn't realize I was blogging with such a bunch of jabronis (don't act like you know how to spell that word). You guys are doing it all wrong, especially the idiot that wants KFC. Oh and by the way Big Bird, thanks for the clarification on claw meat vs. tail meat... This is my end all be all list:

Appetizer:

Okay, for starters I'm going to need one of Jerry's special muffins with a glass of milk. Those of you that know what I mean.. know what I mean.

After that you can leave me for an hour with a pitcher of some nice beer and a few boneless buffalo wings. Put some Boston sports highlights on the tv, and let that muffin kick in.

Main Course:

The bird gay bird has something right here. Start me out with a medium rare filet and some garlic mashed potatoes on the side. I'm Irish, my main course needs to start with meat and potatoes, it's science.

I'm definitely going to want a little more food before we make our way into dessert, so let's add in some baked sea scallops to seal the deal.

Dessert:

This actually baffled me for a little bit. I love way too many desserts to try to get them all in here. So let's go with a chocolate/vanilla swirl in a cone with jimmies on top. Bring me back to DQ on a summer night.

Oh and if I'm a good prisoner, maybe leave the fixin's for some Fruit Gusher Blunts and I'll be set. Doesn't get any better than that folks. By this point I'm probably completely horizontal on my jail cell mattress anyway, so just put Cool Runnings (gotta be the VHS) on my tv and we're all square.

Big D, you going with Freddie's ribs?

Chronicles of a Depressed Browns Fan

Today after work, I received a couple of hilarious facebook chats from my buddy Eric who is a huge Browns fan. He sent me a couple screenshots of a conversation he was having with another pathetic Browns fan friend of mine, Mikey. As a hardcore Pats fan, I will never ever experience any of these feelings, and yet it is absolutely hysterical to see someone else's sports pain. (Ask Big D about the Jets)

If you haven't heard, the Browns inexplicably cut D'Qwell Jackson, who was owed a fairly large bonus but the Browns were in excellent financial shape, making the move not financially related. My friends conversation is a rant for the ages.

Here they are and try not to feel too bad:

 

 

In conclusion:

THE BROWNS FUCKING SUCK.

HOW CAN WE BE THE WORST FRANCHISE IN THE LEAGUE EVERY FUCKING YEAR.

WE MAKE THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS LOOK LIKE A MODEL FRANCHISE.

HOLY SHIT.

Cleveland : the place where there used to be industry.

What Would Big Bird Order As A Last Meal If He Were On Death Row?

Well I certainly would not order a single olive with the pit in it. I do not understand what you are trying to prove here Victor. Is that your last twisted move on the world, instead of ordering a nice hearty meal, you pick one of the worst vegetables of all time? Fuck you Victor.

Anyway onto a more important topic, what I would ingest as my last meal:

 

Lobster claws already cracked out of their shells, what is with these fools only getting the tails? Do they not know the softer meat is in the claws. 

Lobster tails same thing cracked and ready to be eaten, yes I know what you are thinking, but I also like the tail meat.

An assorted plate of sushi.

A perfectly cooked medium rare filet mignon.

A large portion of sweet potato fries.

A case of Harpoon Long Thaw IPA.

An entire cheesecake with strawberries.

   

Lastly, I need to watch both of these movies before facing the firing squad. Haven't seen them yet and that is all my fault.