21 Things You Have to Explain To Out-of-Towners About Boston

Came across another one of these really original blog lists on Facebook today. Have no fear, blogger bloggerist Friend is here to rip this blog to shreds. As a lifetime resident of Boston and its surrounding communities (give or take 2 years where I was born in Colombia), I take a lot of pride in the city and have encountered a shit ton of tourists asking for directions everywhere. The guy who wrote the blog for Thrillist raises some good points for these tourists, but really milks the whole Boston stereotype in most instances. Let me explain:

Thrillist - by Erik Christensen

1. Quincy Market isn’t that great

This grand old historic building is now a glorified, really long, really REALLY crowded food court. Locals steer clear of this hot mess. There are better places to eat. We swear.

See, I already don't agree with you, Erik. Quincy Market is obviously not fun to walk through, but it is pretty awesome to walk around. Lots of good shops/restaurants and some pretty hilarious street performances. The statue of Red Auerbach and the old cobblestone walkways. The bar life there is also pretty legit, namely Ned Devine's and the State Street bars (Black Rose/Sissy K's).

2. The original Cheers bar isn’t the one you just saw at Quincy Market. 

Because you insisted on going there anyway. Because you don't LISTEN. It’s by the Public Garden. And inside, it looks nothing like the one on the show. Melville’s is not upstairs. Nobody will know your name. What's that? You want to go anyway? 

Who the hell still cares about Cheers? Whenever someone asks me where Cheers is, I shrug and say, "Why would you ever wanna go there?"

3. The Freedom Trail is really, really long
Seriously. It’s 2.5mi end-to-end. To non-city dwellers, that’s the same distance as from Earth to Alpha Centauri. You’ve been warned, Mr. "I can barely walk to the end of my driveway" who insisted on sporting flip flips today.

True. Every part of this is true. Walking the Freedom Trail is goddamn torture.

4. Not everybody "pahks the cah in Hahvahd Yahd"
The oft-imitated, never-quite-duplicated, frequently mutilated Boston accent (cough... Tim Robbins in Mystic River... cough) is only prevalent in certain pockets of town (cough... Southie). Side note: there is no parking in Harvard Yard. Please, just don't say this. Ever.

Say this to someone from Boston and you're gonna get directions to Roxbury or Mattapan.

5. "Wicked pissah" means "really good"

Accents aside, the local lexicon has lots of peppah. If you need a water fountain, ask for a bubbler (or bubblah). We also put jimmies (NOT sprinkles) on our ice cream, and buy booze at a packie.

In 21 years of living around here, I have NEVER heard anyone say "wicked pissah". Other than Dane Cook and he's a fraud. It's either wicked...or pissah. NEVER wicked pissah.

6. Don’t even bother trying to spell Worcester, or Gloucester, by sounding them out

It won’t end well for anyone.
Tourists don't wanna go there, so you're milking it here Erik. You're more likely to get someone that calls Charlestown, "Charleston" or someone that doesn't know how to say Quinzee.

7. Southie isn’t really like all those Ben Affleck movies starring Casey Affleck

Due to some pretty intense gentrification, some parts of Southie now seem like extensions of the South End. While other parts of Southie are still EXACTLY LIKE THOSE BEN AFFLECK MOVIES STARRING CASEY AFFLECK.

Those movies were years and years ago. Southie is pretty much brand new, filled with young professionals and post grads. The new buildings in the Seaport are actually pretty fancy looking and a drink at Seaport bars is gonna run you in the neighborhood of $8-$10.

8. Everyone here drives like a Masshole

Have you ever seen a "Massachusetts Left"? You will. Any hesitation AT ALL while driving (or walking, for that matter) gets you an ear full of car horn. Don’t take it personally when Nana flips you the bird.

Do not slander Massholes, Erik. Asians still drive like Asians and women still drive like women. Male Massholes will pass you on the right if you go 60mph in the fast lane or if you don't pull out into the intersection to bang a louie.

9. We don’t call it "Beantown" anymore, so neither should you
Why? Because nobody has made or eaten Boston baked beans since FDR was in the White House.

I actually still refer to Boston as the Bean...so you're wrong.

10. On the weekends, bars close at 1am or 2am
It's going to feel early if you're used to NYC hours. Good news though, the T (that's the train) now runs until 3am on weekends. It used to stop at 12:45am. This made sense to no one.

Yeah, but that just means you show up earlier and drink the same amount of time...It's all relative.

11. The cab situation is abysmal
You won’t get one when you need one. You will be treated like a pariah if you call dispatch. You can’t hail a Boston cab in Cambridge, or a Cambridge cab in Boston (Dumbest. Thing. Ever.). It costs $38.50 to go four blocks. Every trip somehow requires a detour through the Ted Williams Tunnel. And if you think the driving of the rest of the population is scary, wait until you see the cabbies.

Cab drivers in Boston are the nicest people ever. Everytime I've been drunk enough to not make it back 15 minutes north to my house and had to have a cabbie drop me at my doorstep, its been a great experience. They'll bump music for you and have really great personal life stories that you'll never remember. What more could you want? Also, its called UBER, the cab service of the 21st century.

12. Yes, there really is a Dunkin’ Donuts on every corner

Sometimes there are several, just in case. 

There are 9 (nine) in my hometown. Let that sink in.

13. There is no tunnel to the Cape and no bridge to the Vineyard
You've been had!

That is so cruel. If you are a big enough asshole to tell people this, then you deserve to sit in Friday summer Cape traffic on Route 3 every day of your life. Not to say that those aren't phenomenal ideas though. Imagine a straightaway tunnel to Chatham or Hyannis from Boston? US93 would be empty and people could get to work on time.

14. Not every Irish pub here is authentic, but they all claim to be

Pro tip: the louder they broadcast their authenticity, the more suspect you should be. For your best pint of Guinness, find a quiet corner bar filled with old men tucking into shepherd’s pie or bangers and mash. Or just go to JP.

I know for a fact that there's a shit ton of real Irish bars in Boston. Go to the Black Rose on a Friday and catch the old Irish guys pluck away at the mandolin and fiddles. Go to the Times and say hi to Irish Dave for me. Go to Sissy K's and ask the guitarist if he knows "Seven Drunken Sins". Obviously Jose McIntyre's isn't Irish.

15. Winters are... challenging
They start early. They end late. Nor'easter might be the worst pseudo-word in the English language. If the snow doesn’t get you, the frigid, persistent winds will. Maybe plan your visit for June.

This last Saturday, I was in shorts and a tee shirt drinking margaritas on a deck.This morning, April 16th, was a prime example of winter fucking us all in the ass. Took me 20 minutes to get all the ice off my windshield.

16. The Big Dig is over
And you helped us pay for the most expensive, troubled, ridiculed nightmare of a highway project ever in the US. Thanks! We don't want to talk about it.

Thank you God for the Big Dig.

17. The street system defies geometry and human logic

It looks like the work of a 5yr-old using a broken Spirograph. Every street is one way in the opposite direction you need to go. Just walk and forget driving. Consider Downtown one of those "closed courses for professional drivers" that you see on commercials.

It does not defy human logic. When Boston was founded, it was built on marshlands and the Fens. Streets had to wind around the swamps and were narrow, because they were obviously built for horses. Most of Boston today is man made land and landfill coming from the hills surrounding Boston. Translate these streets to the 21st century and you get what appears to be a maze of one way streets and dead ends.

18. Candlepin bowling is better than what you call bowling
It’s the same basic configuration and you wear the same gross shoes. But you get three chances to roll a skee ball at 10 skinny, weirdly shaped pins. The pins don’t get cleared each time so you can use the "dead wood" to knock down anything left standing. Basically, it's awesome.

Tourists don't go bowling. You kind of lost me here Erik.

19. We get the day off for the Boston Marathon

Not only does it happen on Patriots’ Day, where we celebrate kicking the crap out of the British during the Revolutionary War by getting an official holiday, but it also has enough unique quirks (the Wellesley College scream tunnel, the BC students at Heartbreak Hill, the Sox game at 11:05am, hordes of people in silvery metallic capes drinking at bars) to dominate all other marathons, ever.

I don't get the day off. And watching the marathon is boring as hell. This year I will watch the marathon only because of what happened last year, and to support those that were affected by the tragedy. Running is the worst. Watching other people run is a little less worse, but not by much.

20. A frappe is a frappe
It’s NOT a milkshake and you’ll never understand and WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING ANYWAY?

Frappe's are legit.

21. It's better than New York
No arguments.

New York is honestly better. At crime. And at being dirty.