Real Life Castaway Slowly Dying in Mexico

Majuro, Marshall Islands (CNN) -- After showing signs of improvement, Jose Salvador Alvarenga's health has deteriorated. Alvarenga, who said he was lost at sea for 13 months, returned to a hospital Thursday to be intravenously fed, said Christian Clay-Mendoza, a top Mexican trade official.
"Doctors say he's severely dehydrated and low on vitamins and minerals," he said. Alvarenga, an El Salvadoran who had been living in Mexico, washed ashore on the Marshall Islands eight days ago. Earlier this week, his condition improved enough that he was released from a hospital. Doctors said Alvarenga's limbs have started to swell, and they can't seem to keep him hydrated. But he did manage to leave the hospital briefly Thursday to make a few comments to the media.

Mexico better keep this guy alive. It's bad enough he washed up on the shores of the Marshall Islands after 13 months. I had to google the Marshall Islands to see where they were in relation to Mexico...

HOLY SHIT that's near Australia! This guy bobbed around the Pacific eating God knows what and still is gonna die because the Mexican doctors don't know what to do. Bring him to MGH or Brigham and Womens and they'll patch him up in like 20 minutes. Probably stick an IV in his arm and give him a Big Mac and send him on his way.

I would survive approximately three hours without Netflix or the Internet so big props to Mr. Alvarenga for living thirteen months. Only way he could've survived is with a RumHam.

GALLS THOUGHTS

Ever missed an exit on the Mass Pike? You're like fuck! God dammit that's going to add 20 miles onto my trip just to get back to this exit. That's exactly how this guys felt (times 1 million) when he missed Hawaii. Like, what the hell is after Hawaii? Ocean, that's what. Must have been so mad at himself, cursing out the Rum Ham that told him to stay left at the split.

Flappy Bird

I'm sure most of you have heard about the new app called "Flappy Bird". If you haven't, good. Stay as far away from this addicting disaster as you can. 

It's like rooting for the Browns. You think you have a chance at  the beginning but every loss is like an immediate cockpunch and you know you aren't going to get any better.

The gist of the game is that you are a weird circular bird with fish lips that has to fly through the spaces between stalactite and stalagmite Super Mario tubes without hitting anything. Each successful pass counts as one point, and you add up the score until you hit something. A high score your first couple of days should be a single digit number.

Now, I have heard rumors that the Android version is a lot easier than the iPhone version. That being said if you still have an Android, you are poor and you should maybe decide to join the 21st century.

Friend-ly Tips:

1.) I'm a nice guy so I'll help you out... make sure you put your phone in airplane mode to prohibit the ads from lagging your gameplay. It will save you a lot of money on costly cellphone repairs.

2.) I have developed a strategy where I play once a day, only stopping when I beat my high score. If you do this, you will develop better sleeping habits and also save yourself a lot of money on costly phone repairs.

3.) NEVER LOOK AT THE SCORE WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING. That's the number one way to die and then smash your phone/head off a wall. This results in costly phone repairs/trip to the hospital.

4.) Do not post your high score on social media or everyone will think you are a douche. Unless you get a really low score, then everyone will think you are mentally retarded.

5.) Here's my high score: 

6.) I'm a douche.

That's all the time I have for Flappy Bird. Probably gonna delete it once some Asian 5 year old posts a viral video of him getting a score of 5 million. 

I'm Never Having a Daughter

One of the worst fears in any guy's life is that he's going to have a daughter and she's going to be an absolute smoke.  It probably is a living hell just knowing how every guy wants to do unspeakable things to get into her pants. So, in honor of me jinxing myself into probably having all daughters, here are some daughters of some famous daddies that probably want to blow there brains out. Enjoy!

Ivanka Trump

Am I fucked up for imagining that those fun bags are filled with money? This is also me officially saying to Big Bird that if there isn't Tits For the Boys: Ivanka Trump by Friday, he's doing the Banana Challenge on Saturday.

Liv and Chelsea Tyler

Daddy's got pipes but all I can think about is that sideboob.

Paulina Gretzky

Girl is an absolute whore too. Sorry Wayne, I know you're The Great One and all, but your daughter looks like she knows her way around a dick.

Miley Cyrus

Don't even care how rich my daughter gets, she's never allowed to take a picture like that.

Rooney and Kate Mara

Great-granddaughters to the founders of the Steelers and the Giants. Still think I'd be a Pats fan though. On a sidenote if you haven't watched House of Cards yet, you're an idiot.

I'm thinking maybe I'll just pray if I have a daughter that she's a saint or a lesbian. That's about all I can hope for honestly.

Roger Goodell Uses New Technology to Control Weather

(www.nj.com )- Gov. Chris Christie has declared a state of emergency due to Winter Storm Maximus.

Some New Jersey schools are canceling classes as another blast of winter weather is heading to New Jersey a day after temperatures got into the 50s. The National Weather Service says much of the state is in line for 4 to 8 inches of snow falling throughout the day Monday. The highest amounts are expected to be across the middle of the state with less in the northernmost and southernmost counties. By rush-hour Monday, the snow was falling in many areas, including the New Jersey suburbs of both Philadelphia and New York City. It's expected to keep coming down until late afternoon or early evening. Another winter storm is expected to hit New Jersey Tuesday and Wednesday.

It's 41 degrees and snowing right now.  Could have sworn it had to have been at least 32 +/- 3 degrees to be snowing.  I've heard about a downed tree per hour.  Have you ever heard/seen a tree near your property go down?  Scary shit.  I mean--you hear a loud crack in the woods and glance out the window and pray it doesn't fall on anything.  Even the plow truck got stuck at the end of my street.  It may only be eight inches, but it's thick and wet as fuck (aha, see what I did there?).  So it's not just 4-8 inches in the street and sidewalks.  It's 4-8 inches on power lines, tree branches, bicycles, walruses, etc.  All this leads me to believe is that Roger Goodell controlled the weather for the Super Bowl and now Mother Nature is retaliating.

On Friday, I think the Super Bowl forecast was 39 degrees.  No precipitation in the near future.  Fast forward to Sunday and it's 55 degrees during the day.  What the fuck?  I'm cool with all the snow disappearing.  So I check the forecast for Monday once the Seahawks are up 30 and they're calling for 4-8 inches in 41 degree weather.  So I'm thinking...no way is that an accurate prediction.  They were right, and now they're calling for another 41 degree snowstorm Tuesday with up to 10".  This is like Snowmageddon shit.  At least in snowy regions of the country they can prepare for this shit.  You know...when 6-12" of powder/week is like clockwork.  The plowers are full-time employees there.  401K benefits.  Medical/dental.  But here in New Jersey, I'm sure half of the plowers are contract or freelance because the weather is so spontaneous.  So everyone just says fuck it once it's 55 degrees on Super Bowl Sunday and gets bombed thinking there's no way it will snow. 

I just can't wait for the snow to go away.  A warm May is key to hitting the shore before guidos invade.  Let's keep the fingers crossed.

NESN Hires New Reporter: Sarah Davis

February 3, 2014 – NESN 

New England’s most watched sports network, announced today that Sarah Davis will join NESN as a reporter, anchor, and host in mid-February as part of the network’s continued commitment to expand programming for fans. Her work will include providing additional coverage on NESN Sports Today, the network’s popular nightly sports news program. Davis comes to NESN from Rogers Sportsnet in Toronto, a national sports network in Canada, where she served as a host of Soccer Central and Fox Soccer News. She also served as host of UFC pre-fight shows and as the game-day host for the Toronto Rock, a professional indoor lacrosse franchise. Her experience also includes serving as entertainment host on Gate 5 Live on Leafs TV and NBA Canada TV before Toronto Maple Leafs and Toronto Raptors games. She has also hosted intermission segments and interviews during Toronto Marlies hockey games, the Maple Leaf’s AHL affiliate.

Well obviously we're interested... Once we get rid of that sad Maple Leafs hat. NESN is really stepping the game up. Now all we need to do is get Abby Chin outta here and replace her with Emily Austen and we will have the best (looking) reporters in the country. Some extra pics:

P.S. The Canadian accents in the video are just so great. Can't stop thinking of Trailer Park Boys.

Jimmy Dean Challenge Results

Final Scores:

1. Adrian Skeeterson: Big D
2. The Longest Pube: Galls
3. The Book of Eli: Kenneth
4. Chubbs' Wooden Hand: Friend

FUCK.

I guess I have to eat 3 of these greasy, shitty sandwiches in under 2 minutes sometime this week.

Where it all went wrong:

Basically without the Seahawks D, this would've been a straight blowout. I'd like to thank Eric Decker and Matt Prater for sucking gonads and doing as much as Eli Manning did all night last night. AND HOW DOES PERCY HARVIN'S RETURN NOT GIMME 6 POINTS THERE???? #Spygate

Poor Peyton

One of the best Sundays in a while.

BONUS!!!: