Charlie Whitehurst Lost An Arm Wrestling Match With a Punter For His Number 6

Can't be anything more embarrassing than losing an arm wrestling competition against a punter. The only competition you're allowed to lose against a punter is a kicking competition. I would've never let anyone know that this was the real reason for losing the number on his jersey (which he's had since high school). 

Poor Charlie Whitehurst. Officially the most emasculated man in NFL history.

Dad of the Year Award Goes to This Guy

Fuck Frozen, gimme some IGGY AZ.

You know this Dad won infinity cool points with his daughter and that's really all that matters. Most guys are secretly hating their daughters for not being dudes. But this dad has the complete opposite point of view.

Actually, this dad is definitely in love with some big ol' Iggy Az booty. I know I am.

Huminahuminahumina....

Ask A Pink Hat

BOSTON (CBS) – Adolfo was outside of Fenway Park recently and interviewed a female fan who has been a Red Sox fan since birth.

Born in 1982, but just 22-year-old, this Boston diehard was asked a number of questions by Adolfo to test the knowledge of her favorite team.

Let’s see how she did.

The questions were:

- How many players are in a batting lineup?

- How many championships have the Red Sox won in the last 10 years?

- What do you call the large patch of grass where the outfielders stand?

- What is the name of the Red Sox mascot?

- What is a rubber match?

Things then took a turn and Adolfo segued into the fill-in-the-blank portion of the quiz:

- Shane _________

- Koji __________

There's an audio clip only available on the link RIGHT HERE . Scroll to the bottom of the article, click on the audio file and fast forward to about the U in Toucher and Rich.

This is a segment that's done on Toucher and Rich, called "Ask a Pink Hat", that has a reporter ask random girls with pink hats walking around Fenway questions about baseball and the Red Sox.

Incredible how stupid some girls are. This girl thought that the Sox won 7 titles in the last 10 years and doesn't know what the large patch of grass that the outfielders stand is called.

Levi's CEO Says You Should Never Wash Your Jeans

Mashable - Great day for laundry haters; bad day for germophobes.

The CEO of Levi Strauss & Co., Chip Bergh, discussed fashion and sustainability at Fortune's Brainstorm Green conference on Tuesday, claiming that jeans do not need to be washed; the pair he donned during the conference, he said, had "yet to see a washing machine" in the past year.

And who are we to doubt the messiah of boot cut? After all, Tuesday marks the 141st birthday of Levi's 501 jeans.

"We are the ultimate in sustainable apparel," Bergh said. "If you buy [our jeans] they will last a lot longer than most people's waistlines will."

Yeah, I'm kinda grossed out. I definitely wash jeans and will continue to do so. Nothing worse than smelly/itchy two week old jeans. I mean obviously it's gonna fit like a glove, but I'm pretty sure every article of clothing has to be washed.

I'd put $20 on the CEO of Levi's dying from some sort of bacteria that he picked up on his year old dirty jeans. Just the thought alone of not washing my jeans makes me itchy.

I really hope the girl in the ad picture has some big boobs because that ass is flat out disappointing. #punny

January Jones is Hot

Started watching Mad Men and it's an okay series. The only reason I actually watch it is because of January Jones up here. First, I'd like to say that January Jones is a total smoke name. Just can't see a fat chick being named January.

Whenever a hot girl is on Barstool and the comment section is open, they usually leave comments like, "I'd crawl through razor wire and lick a turd just for her used panties." or this one that was just posted today, "Is it gay to suck her dad off just to taste the recipe?" Not to say that I'd do the second one because that's just disturbing, but the first one sounds okay. JK guys haha, or am I?

(I'm not JK)

Mexico World Cup Coach Bans Sex

Mexico coach Miguel Herrera has banned his players from having sex during the World Cup: "We're not going to a party." (via @REFORMACOM)
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) May 21, 2014

Probably banned it because he looks like this:

Aaaaaand just like that Mexico's chances of winning a game at the World Cup are gone. Not only are they in a group with the host country, Brazil: they have to play against fast as fuck Cameroonians and Croatians. Try doing that with blue balls full of pent up rage.

So yeah, might as well just not even bother to show. If you can't have sex, what's the point of doing anything really? If I was the coach, I'd tell my players to have as much sex as they can, just to get the stress out.

What was the first thing every U-10 coach said to their players? "The important thing here is that you're having fun!" It appears that Miguel missed that portion of the coaching curriculum and went straight to banning sex. Shame on you.

Live look at Mexico:

P.S. Fuck cats but this is one cat I can drink with.

Seth Rogen and Snoop Roll A Cross Joint

Well this made my day. Seth Rogen doin' the damn thing with Snoop. I'd love to be in a "That 70's Show" smoking circle with these two guys and Mila Kunis. That's my ideal scenario.

Never Forget:

And the DIY video:

EA Sports UFC Trailer is the Most Realistic Video Game I've Seen

Felt like I was watching this on TV. The details of the tattoos, Bruce Buffer, and the subtle drops of blood on the mat push this game over the top. Anyone who likes UFC fighting will LOVE this game.

If the people who concentrated all this time to create this material could make this game this realistic, why haven't we found a way to live on Mars yet? Yeah, science!

Cricket Highlights > Softball Highlights > Baseball Highlights

Holy shit. I don't know anything about cricket but I know that this was a sick grab. Apparently the ground outside the boundary line is lava and you can't catch a ball out there, but if you throw it back in it counts or something. Whatever it was, the Indian people loved it.

Three extra notes:

1.) I literally thought that this guy was Yasiel Puig. Killer Oakley's and all blue uniform plus he's black and has massive earrings. Dead ringer.

2.) Apparently you can wear awesome cowboy/musketeer hats in cricket and I love it. Looks like a complete moron but at least he's rocking it. 

 3.) Just kidding about cricket highlights being better than softball highlights. You can't beat the raw talent in collegiate softball:

Softball Highlights > Baseball Highlights

SMOKED.

Can't say I've ever seen a funnier/worse attempt at catching a ball. Routine fly ball combined with horrible hand eye coordination equals a face full of padding and a severe concussion. This girl was definitely out for the rest of the season and possibly life after making national TV. I will say that this highlight beats every single baseball highlight they play on SportsCenter that looks identical to every other baseball highlight. Once you 've seen one, you've seen them all.

Man In Providence Leaves a Bar and Then Realizes He Was Shot

PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP)— A Rhode Island man has told police he was leaving a bar when he noticed he’d been shot.

Police tell the Providence Journal (http://bit.ly/1lAWSlQ ) that 22-year-old Hector Aguayofuentes, of Providence, was shot in the leg early Saturday.

He tells police he was leaving the bar with a friend shortly after 1 a.m. Saturday when they both noticed he was bleeding.

They went to Hernandez’s house but were unable to stop the bleeding. He was eventually taken to a hospital, and police were notified.

Police say Aguayofuentes hasn’t provided any other details or explained how he might have been shot.

I posted a picture of Cheddar Bob because that's the only way you get shot and don't want to tell anyone how it happened. It's the only logical explanation to Hector suddenly "realizing" he got shot. He shot himself in the leg like Plaxico and when someone else noticed blood, he panicked and was like, "I'm SHOT!"

The fact they went to a Hernandez's house after casts more suspicion on this case. Must be a relative of Aaron's if he's dumb enough to not know how he just got hit with a bullet in a bar.

When his buddy said he was bleeding this must have been Hector's reaction:

But then again probably not since Caddyshack is the whitest movie ever and the whitest thing Hector has ever done is watch a hockey game by accident flipping through channels.

Brad Pitt and Matthew McConaughey Were Neighbors in NOLA This Weekend

And obviously they tossed each other a beer, cuz that's what bros do. What a lifestyle these guys live.

"Yo, look it's Brad Pitt!"

"Hi, I'm Brad Pitt!"

"You killed the Oscars this year bro."

"You wanna beer?"

"Heads up, bitch!"

"Gawtdang it Drew, this beer is delicious."

Jenny Dell Ruined Every Girl's Day at Rockland Junior Prom

NO CONTEST. Jenny Dell absolutely mauled the competition and simultaneously made every chick looking for attention hate her. Prom for girls is like the biggest event and competition of the year. It's their pageant. It's the Miss America of high schools. Girls with ugly dresses never make it the whole night without crying in the bathroom. The Prom Queen lives in memory forever and gets all the jocks. 

Welp, Jenny showed up and ruined every single girls chance to shine. She's skinnier than a 16 year old girl which is pretty insane, and she has the poise of a goddess. BTW, this kid has ruined all his chances at making the girls at his school like him. He made the prom about him and Jenny Dell, and not about the sacred competition. At least college is a couple years away and he can say that he went to prom with Jenny Dell. The freshmen girls will be throwing themselves at Killa Cam here.

Couple of exclusive pics from the Prom:

Yeah I'd have a raging boner all night if I went to prom with Jenny Dell. I'd 100% wear compression shorts, and even then...

P.S. Let's hop in the time machine real quick:

Fuckin' killed it at my senior prom. Don Draper status. The hair, the tux, the smile. All 10's.

h/t to Greg for the pics

I Hate Hockey

Boston Bruins 2013-2014 President's Trophy Winners YAY.

Don't really feel like saying anything else.

Actually one thing:

=

AT&T Commercial Meets True Detective

These "commercials" are incredible. This dude absolutely nails the Rust Cohle impersonation. if you haven't seen the show this won't be funny so go watch the killer clown video and scare yourself silly.

There's 3 more that recently came out and they are all excellent.

Want to Never Sleep Again?

Killer clowns are number one on my list of things that I am petrified of. If anyone wants to prank me and see me lose my lunch/piss myself, all you gotta do is dress up as a clown and not say a word. A silent clown is the worst type of clown. Actually, any kind of clown is the worst type of clown. I remember watching documentaries on real life clown families that live in makeup all the time and raise their kids like that and having nightmares about it. It all really started when I watched "IT" when I was about 5 years old. I used to think IT lived in my closet and I had reoccurring nightmares of IT murdering everyone I cared about.

In the second IT movie, the killer clown turns into a giant spider. Guess what my second biggest fear is? Spiders. Stephen King can go fuck himself for ruining my life.

Real talk, I could run a sub 4 second 40 yard dash if you just made a clown chase me. Probably run a marathon and beat all the Ethiopians at the same time.

Game of Thrones (Super Mario Edition)

Source: Kotaku.com

Super Nintendo lovers rejoice! Some nerd with way too much free time on his hands made a pretty accurate parody of the Game of Thrones intro complete with 8 bit soundtrack and castles coming out of the ground.

On a related note, how about this season of GoT? The acting in the show has gotten waaaay better. Peter Dinklage leading the charge into multiple Emmy awards for sure.

Poor Cleveland

New Vikings QB Teddy Bridgewater sounds relieved that he wasn’t drafted by the Browns. (via @dpshow) pic.twitter.com/S0ERDMJiBo
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) May 13, 2014

Odds that Johnny Manziel would've said this if he played anywhere else are 1:1. Mortal lock.

"We're Not Detroit"

Good News: NASA Finds a Dark Square Hole In the Sun

According to the rocket scientists at NASA:

A coronal hole, almost square in its shape, is one of the most noticeable features on the Sun of late (May 5-7, 2014). A coronal hole is an area where high-speed solar wind streams into space. It appears dark in extreme ultraviolet light as there is less material to emit in these wavelengths. Inside the coronal hole you can see bright loops where the hot plasma outlines little pieces of the solar magnetic field sticking above the surface. Because it is positioned so far south on the Sun, there is less chance that the solar wind stream will impact us here on Earth.

Translation: Run and hide because a massive solar wind is somewhere in space and no one has any clue what its gonna hit. Honestly, when shit like this happens it scares me way more than any nuclear missile threat or any natural disaster. Space attacks are legit and it really feels like we're due for an alien invasion. If any of you guys needs to find me, I'll be in my basement for a couple of weeks until they find where this solar wind is heading.

I know you aren't supposed to look at the sun, but it's probably safe to stare at that black spot, right?

The Most Obnoxious Bat Flip Ever in Korea

I guess when you hit meatballs 700 feet off of a no name Korean guy you have a right to show off like a douche. This particular bat flip is so obnoxious that the bat is only in the frame for like a second. 

Brian McCann would've shanked him on the spot. 

And now Yasiel Puig has 24 hours to accept the batflip challenge.

Euro Guy Does a Backflip Dunk

TRAVEL! TRAVEL! Call it! You can't take fifteen steps without dribbling, boss. If you look closely at the dunk itself, he never holds on to the rim but actually just throws it in the cylinder. This is known as an "almost dunk", made popular by white guys around the world. So all in all I award this dunk a 0.5 out of 10. And the 0.5 is basically because I've never seen anyone step on the rim and do a backflip off of it.

This next one is a 10/10. Turn the sound on this next video down:

Bill Nye The Science Guy on Last Week Tonight

This is a new HBO special hosted by John Oliver, formerly of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

In this particular segment, John Oliver tackles the everpresent issue of climate change. As with shows like the Colbert Report and the Daily Show, he presents it in satirical fashion. This should not deduct from the true message that he is trying to send to the boneheads that do not believe that the climate is changing from human sources.

If that wasn't enough, he brings in Bill Nye, America's most famous scientist to represent the misguided battle against climate change.

I might have to watch this show from now on. I really liked John when he took over for Jon Stewart for a bit on the Daily Show. It's on Sundays at 11pm on HBO.

Habs Suck: Part Quatre (Four?)

The best video from Danvers' own Jason January yet. He kept all the disembodied wooden Habs players and gave the best rant yet. The title might be the best thing ever written. "LITTLE DIRTY SISSY HOMOS". Perfect description of your average Canadien team.

Yo Jason, when we getting a brew and talking some hockey? Hit me up and we'll go to Hurricane O' Reilly's and get wasted.

In conclusion: PK Subban is a bitch. Lars Eller is a bitch. Michel Therrien is a bitch. Habs suck. I love you Sara Diamond.

P.S. What the hell is Montreal's mascot supposed to be? An orangutan? The thing from Looney Tunes? Or just a wicked hairy Canadian guy that's never manscaped?

Is This The Douchiest Text You Could Ever Send a Woman?

In all seriousness, how confident is this bro in his dick size? Correct answer is too confident. 

Calling a woman a whore over a text message is a low blow, and then following up with "I'm everything your looking for" is pure desperation. In a day and age where recorded digital conversations can be put on social media, this ultimate hockey bro just got hoisted by his own petard.

"I have a huge cock and I play hockey" is such a money line that I may have to start using that. If he didn't call the woman a whore, it would've been a Top Ten text. 

Respect your women kids, but always lie about your dick size!

Goddamn Hooores:

Hank Lundqvist Sprays Sidney Crosby With Water

Bukkakes all over the NHL this week. First Shawn Thornton, now the pride of Sweden King Henrik.

I'd say that Crosby and Subban both deserve it because they would never actually drop the gloves. They come in after the whistle and scrum it up. I bet if Sidney Crosby was holding a beer and you took it from him and chugged it in his face, he'd look around for a ref to give you a penalty.

Bring on the Rangers, Shawn Thornton needs a sparring partner.

Jose Canseco Thinks There Should Be More Human Against Horse Races

There should be more human against horse or large quadraped races

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) May 3, 2014

At my fastest I could easily beat any horse around the bases

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) May 3, 2014

I would lead out of the gates but they would beat me in the derby because of the distance

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) May 3, 2014

My kentucky Derby time is estimated at about 3:34.5 #cansecochrome

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) May 3, 2014

Jose Canseco is laugh out loud funny only because you know without a doubt that he's 100% serious.

Jose Canseco couldn't beat a pony around the bases. He might be able to hit a baseball farther than a large quadruped. Quadruped is a funny word. 

Actually, I'd bet the house on California Chrome looking at this picture and shitting himself.

Police Log Time

These logs come from this whole week. I snipped out the gems and my god are they great this week.

Pressure Washer:

Getting hit by a pressure washer stream would SUCK. That shit can cut through wood. If the worker actually hit these kids I'd be pissed. If he just got a little splash water on the kids then this lady is a huge bitch. Walk around the guy with the pressure washer, not through his work path.

Buried:

This is pretty fucked up. Kids today are whacked. If I came across a headstone in the middle of a park that said, "Here lies our daughter", I would immediately freak out and call the cops. Also, what kind of pet has a human first and last name. That's kinda weird.

Jimmy's Steer House:

BOTTLE KIDS STRIKE AGAIN!

Dog Barking: 

People in Saugus are so insufferable. It's a dog. Dogs bark. If it barks for too long just go to your neighbors house. Obviously the cops aren't gonna actually try to shut the dog up.

Egged:

The search continues for the Egg Bandits.

Street Fighters:

Fuckin sucks that all the street fights in Saugus seem to be verbal and aren't fought with lead pipes and baseball bats. "Brick killed a guy" always pops in my head.

Lobstah Pot:

What a gem. I didn't know there was such a thing as a suspicious lobster pot but you learn new things everyday.

Brushfire: 

That's a good amount of water. It take 30-40 gallons to shower. Thank Jesus that Saugus wasn't consumed by this hellfire.

Sand Dunes:

Paranoia at  its finest. People that can't mind their own business feel compelled to tattle on everyone. How does being parked on a sand dune make you a bad person?