Donut Shop Prints Mitch Hedberg Routine on Receipts

Employee Prints Classic Mitch Hedberg Doughnut-Shop Receipt Routine on Doughnut Shop’s Receipts

-GrubStreet.com

Redditor buckwheatwaffle says that he or she "was given the ability to control" the pre-programmed footer text that runs at the bottom of the doughnut store's receipts.
Despite the meta, anti-receipt sentiment on the receipts, the user reports the joke was a big hit with his or her boss. "It's not like I work at Dunkin Donuts, friend," the user adds. "This would never fly in a place like that."

Great move by this hipster donut shoppe (I spelled it shoppe because that's what hipsters do) to include everyone's favorite observational comic into the receipt. Mitch Hedberg was a genius that was taken too soon from us, but his stand up will still drive you into hysterics nowadays.

A Couple more sketches by Mitch:

Police Log: April 25th

When I deleted the whole picture archive, it deleted the screenshots from last weeks Police Log analysis. Have no fear, Saugus has been busy lately and is ready to give you Round 2 of the best police log in the nation.

Let's jump right into it:

1.) 12:38 am: Welcome to my house party, party!

Large house party on a Thursday night apparently made some cranky old neighbor call 911. I'm almost positive that 911 is usually reserved for actual emergencies not to bitch about a house party that breaks up by the time a police officer shows up. Never understood why these chicken shit type of neighbors don't call the house directly or go up to the front door and ask them to turn it down instead of calling the cops.

2.)  3:33 pm: Youths

BOTTLE KIDS!

 3.) 11:54 pm: Brawl

25 people fighting??? Jesus Christ I had no idea that there were brawls in the streets of Saugus. Guess we just went from being a white suburb to being hood as fuck. Look out ya'll, I'm from the hood where we have fights between 25 people but not really because the fights are verbal in nature. Big shoutout to Saugus PD for restoring peace.

4.) 3:44 pm: La Creme dela Creme

Its entries like this one that make these police logs all worth it. Two dudes, one bald and one rocking a sweet mullet, went into the liquor store and left with $2 worth of Natty Ices. Not even worth an investigation. Total boss move by the mullet gang to walk right up to the cooler, grab the beers, and walk out like it ain't no thang.

Like I said, we're no suburb. We tha hood. Sachems rise up!

Winnie the Pooh Reads Darth Vader's Lines From Star Wars

This is the creepiest thing I've seen today, and this week for that matter. Reading the lines of such a dark and complex character, such as Darth Vader, as a whimsical cartoon character just seems so strange and nightmarish. I never really imagined that this old guy was the voice of our friendly stoned Pooh bear. Apparently this guy (Jim Cummings) has done over 400 voice roles in animated films and TV series. 

Fuck the Habs

Couple of videos that were posted on Barstool were too good not to repost here as we focus on kicking some French Canadian ass this weekend. Also, a bonus "I hate the Habs" acoustic song for your collection.

1.)

"Oh, that went in the fahkin' neihbahs yahd"

2.) 

"Even Dougie Hamilton got baptized!"

3.)

"To hell with ya, whatever your nationality is, I don't care. This is the black and gold nation. Fuck off, Habs suck"

And the acoustic piece:

Massholes FTW!!!

I'm a Moron

 So I was tinkering with some layout options in order to clean up the site a little bit....and then I ended up deleting every picture archived for every past blog.

So 6 months of blogs with pictures and gifs are pretty much gone.

I guess this is a fresh start.

Long live FriendTopia.

Everyone Loves Boobies

Happy Friday everyone!

As this very long week comes to a close I would like to remind the FriendTopia community that it doesn't take a pervert to love boobies. Everyone loves boobies. I don't care if you are a man or a woman, a gay or a transgender (obviously lesbians love boobs), white, black, yellow or purple, everyone loves boobs. With that being said please enjoy!

 

Have a great weekend!

Weekly Police Log

When I was in high school, we used to read the town newspaper solely to read the police log. My town's police log is notorious for being absolutely absurd because of the mix of really old people and young hooligans. I just read the latest one that was posted online for the first time in years and I wasn't disappointed.

Starts off with a bang:

Yep. You read that correctly. A 3 foot tall pink cow was stolen and someone called the cops. Naturally, no one was caught.

40 to 50 people were in a hallway. The police were called. They found no one in the hallway. The search continues.

Classic Saugus Police Log. Always at least one case of youths banging on windows and never anyone caught. Old people in my town are literally so paranoid.

Finally, I bring you the drunk guy driving the wrong way on Route 1. Route 1 in Saugus looks a little like this:

Big fence separating two opposite traveling 50mph+ lanes. Absolute miracle that no one was killed there.

P.S. RIP Hilltop Steakhouse

Gruden Interviews Gruden: Outtakes Included

Comedic gold.

100% chance Bill Belichick has these plays drawn out and now has to scrap em because of this video.

"Green right slot, albacore 3, Y Quesadilla"

"Tarantula 2, Z, Beryllium Phosphate"


UPDATE:

Outtakes:

Must Follow Instagram: Irina Shayk

The one and only Ms. Cristiano Ronaldo. Quick staring contest. GO!

Marchand Loses His Shoe in the Joe Louis Rafters

As a kid, losing your ball up in the gym rafters was always the worst. You'd try to show off and chuck your shoe up to try to free the ball and then BOOM your shoe and the ball are stuck about 30 feet above your head. The fact that Marchand is still doing these things makes me wish I was a professional athlete so bad. They just goof off in the downtime between games and workouts, and on weekend nights go slay in whatever city they're in. 

New Poll: Which Boston Sports Team Rival Do You Hate The Most?

The new poll is which Boston Sports Team Rival Do You Hate the Most?

1.) New York Yankees

2.) New York Jets

3.) New York Giants

4.) Montreal Canadiens

5.) Miami Heat/Lebron

P.S.

I gave up on the poll for last week since it was a shitty subject. Here are the results, even though no one gives a shit.

Staying late at work sucks and so do all the other things on the poll.

I Guess Bankruptcy Is a Touchy Subject in Detroit

Lets gooooo Bruins!!!! #WOO #DetroitIsBankrupt
— Jean Friend (@JeanFriend) April 22, 2014

Tweeted this last night before the Bruins game. Couple favorites from some friends, whatever.

Then right after we handed Detroit some Fried Octopus in that 3-0 shutout, I get a rush of notifications on my phone.

Let's take a look:

Answer to your question: Everything. Government money (aka taxes) are gonna go towards bailing your ass out of bankruptcy. Quick Q&A with myself:

Q:What's in Detroit? 

A:Joe Lewis Arena. 

Q:And if there's no money, who pays to keep the lights on at the Joe Lewis? 

A: Taxpayers (aka me).

Q: What does bankruptcy have to do with hockey?

A: I don't want to pay for your shitty octopus throwing team to waste our time.

And then we have the Habs fan chiming in from God knows where. Habs fans are literally all over NHL social media. If you follow @NHL on Twitter or facebook, you'll see Habs fans dominate the comment boards. I guess when all you have is crepes and 'ockey, that's how you spend your weekend nights.

First off, I said nothing in my tweet to suggest we won the cup. I know its a long playoff and I have respect for the Red Wings as a team. Also, quit being butthurt about Tuukka shutting your asses out.

Another Habs fan chirping about typical Bruins fans stating facts. I wanna believe that Santa Claus is real but I'm an adult and believe the facts. I'm sure people in Detroit live in a blissful state of mind where they forget about the bankruptcy.

Let me go on record as saying that I would hands down party with the bear dude in the picture. The ice cream, the helmet, and the bear suit are all positive factors. I also can't wear my Bruins jersey to school, because I don't go to school. And I most definitely know who they are playing on most nights since there's this cool new app called "SportsCenter".

In conclusion: Fuck the Habs and Believe it or not: Detroit is Bankrupt.

Oh and this was my only response to these squids:

Detroit can chirp all they want, but I got something for you pic.twitter.com/rNIjL2g3q6

— Jean Friend (@JeanFriend) April 23, 2014

P.S. Brad Marchand is Thor so I guess the NHL should just pack it up and try again next season.

I Miss KG So Much

The passion that KG brings to the game is unrivaled. If only Jeff Green could wake his ass up and bring any of the fire that the Big Ticket brings to each and every game. This rebuilding bullshit is for the birds. If we don't win at least 30 games next season then at least tickets to Celtics games will remain at $10 bucks a pop.

vs.

I don't ever say this, but SMH.

Big Papi Hit One to the Moon Last Night

Well actually it was 482 feet: the longest HR at Fenway in 9 seasons.

Too bad we got our face mushed in by the Yankees.

The New Avril Lavigne Song is Horrible

0/10

Hello Kitty. Dubstep. Older Avril Lavigne. All contributing factors to this song getting a 0/10.

Remember the good old days when she sang "Complicated" and we sang that shit in the hallways in middle school? That was a JAM.

I'll take "Complicated" and raise you Michelle Branch's "Everywhere".

Try telling Michelle Branch apart from Vanessa Carlton. You can't.

Iceberg Twice the Size of Atlanta Floating Around

Iceberg is twice the size of Atlanta

(CNN) -- A massive iceberg with an area almost twice the size of Atlanta is moving into the ocean off Antarctica and could threaten shipping during the Antarctic winter, scientists say.

The ice island, known as iceberg B31, covers 255 square miles and could be almost a third of a mile thick, scientists say in a report from NASA's Earth Observatory.

The iceberg calved from Antarctica's Pine Island Glacier last November, according to NASA. The crack that produced it was first spotted in 2011.

Since November, B31 has drifted out of Pine Island Bay and into the Amundsen Sea off the western side of the continent.

"The iceberg is now well out of Pine Island Bay and will soon join the more general flow in the Southern Ocean, which could be east or west in this region," iceberg researcher Grant Bigg from the University of Sheffield in England said in the NASA statement.

No big deal, just a 255 square mile Iceberg floating around. I'm sure this is gonna go over real well when we have people trying to ship things around the Antarctic Circle. A third of a mile thick???? That's 1760 feet for all you math majors out there. 

Even the guy who drove the Titanic would be able to see this one. I'm pretty sure even Stevie Wonder would at least hear this thing coming.

Oh and in case you thought this thing might melt:

And don't expect it to melt. An iceberg of that size could hang around for a year or more, Robert Marsh, a scientist at the University of Southampton in England, said last year.

The largest iceberg ever recorded was called B15. With an area of 4,250 square miles -- about the size of the state of Connecticut or the island of Jamaica -- it calved off Antarctica's Ross Ice Shelf in March 2000. B15 has since broken up, but parts of it still exist around the Antarctic today.

Holy moly.

Clarification of ATO Blog Post

I want to apologize for insinuating that rape or physical assault should be kept secret in my blog about the ATO chapter getting caught for their inappropriate emails.

This was not my intent. My intent was to highlight how college students get in trouble for underage drinking and other illegal activities, such as smoking marijuana. This behavior is a lot more common among American universities and in my personal opinion, is not a big deal if it is contained in a controlled environment.

I have had friends that have been raped and it is unbelievable how scary and mentally damaging it can be for them and their families. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone, and I honestly believe that it should be reported in every case. I will continue to fight against rape in any way I can and will report it to the police if I hear about it from anyone I know.

If you'd like to donate to RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) please do so at https://donate.rainn.org/. I will also personally make a donation to the program, and I hope that you will consider giving something to them as well.

I think RAINN said it best when talking about "rape culture".

"In the last few years, there has been an unfortunate trend towards blaming “rape culture” for the extensive problem of sexual violence on campus. While it is helpful to point out the systemic barriers to addressing the problem, it is important not to lose sight of a simple fact: Rape is caused not by cultural factors but by the conscious decisions, of a small percentage of the community, to commit a violent crime."

-Quote in Time

Thank you for reading FriendTopia,

Friend

96,000 Lbs of Oscar Mayer Wieners Recalled

Kraft recalls 96,000 pounds of Oscar Mayer Classic Wieners

COLUMBIA, Mo. (KSDK) – Kraft Foods Group is recalling approximately 96,000 pounds of Oscar Mayer Classic Wieners due to a labeling discrepancy, according to a news release.

Some of the products in question may contain Classic Cheese Dogs, thus rendering the product labels incorrect, since they don't mention pasteurized cheese. The dogs were formulated with milk, a known allergen.

The following packages, produced from March 2-3, 2014 with establishment number "Est. 537H" could be subject to recall:

• 16 oz. packages –individual consumer packages– of "Classic Wieners Made with Turkey & Chicken, Pork Added" with "USE BY 16 Jun 2014" date and product code "044700000632"

• Cases of 16 oz. packages –distributed to retailers– of "Classic Cheese Dogs Made with Turkey & Chicken, Pork Added, and Pasteurized Cheese Product" with "USE BY 16 Jun 2014" date and case code "00447000005300"

A consumer discovered the problem on April 18, according to the news release.

Soft as a pillowcase.

I would be so pumped to get a bonus Cheese Dog in a 10 pack of regular hot dogs. Just something to look forward to in the purchase. But noooo there's softies out there that can't eat Cheese (aka Fitzy) and caused a big stink about  it and ruined 96,000 lbs of hot dogs.

What a colossal waste of food. People starving around the globe and because of 17 people with milk allergies, Oscar Mayer has to toss all this away. America really has it all backwards. Why couldn't they release a statement saying "We've started a new promotion where random cheese dogs have been inserted into classic hot dog packages. People that don't like cheese, it really sucks to suck."? 

The Moment That the Red Wings Lost the Series

Don't poke the bear. 

I'd like to thank Brendan Smith for picking this fight in order to spark the Big Bad Bruins. Takes a swipe at Chara and probably pooped himself when Big Z laughed in his face. The linesman couldn't come in fast enough to prevent Chara from getting a couple good licks in, but I'm sure the refs made sure to tell Mr. Smith not to try that again.

Chara is a scary SOB. The easter bunny Chara pic is one of the most horrifying pictures I've ever seen. Couldn't even imagine trying to pick a fight with a 6'9" 265 pounder with a nose as crooked as Storrow Drive. 

A Tradition Like No Other: Fitzy Friday!

The most interesting man on the planet.

Coolest Jerseys In All of Baseball Taking You Into Easter Weekend

@darrenrovell these are the jerseys the@swbrailriders will wear tonight for Outdoors Night pic.twitter.com/Uw2gCufQLb
— Rob Crain (@RailRiderRob) April 18, 2014

Today Jesus died for our sins...and for these awesome baseball jerseys.

Between these and the bacon hats, I'd say the MLB minor leagues are doing it right.

Nina Agdal is Throwing Cheddar On Instagram

Aaaaaaaaaand I'm hard.

The Tracy Morgan Reddit AMA is Fantastic So Far

Couple of highlights so far, but the whole thing is at Tracy Morgan AMA

Slow motion for me. Slow motion for me.

I think the Hulk is a very commendable choice. Big. Green. Purple Shorts. Ultimate Bro.

Believe a man when he says he never smoked PCP. This question stems from this podcast, where Bert Kreischer says he smoked it with Tracy Morgan.

One of Outkast's finer songs.

Kate Upton is the last person in the world I'd ever want to fart in front of...Literally the last person. I'd hold that fart in for years if she was next to me all of those years.

Biden and Obama Selfie it Up

Dayummmm, did Biden just break Instagram? 

I thought the Secret Service outlawed this when Papi made a shit ton of money from Samsung. Apparently not. 

Anyone who takes a selfie with both of these guys immediately catapults to legend status. Complete opposite of the spectrum from the guy who got kicked in the head trying to take a selfie with a train.

This just in:

Joe and Barack: the two best friends that anyone can have.

Tom Hardy is Ripped: I'm Not Gay

Yeah I posted a half naked dude on my blog. Yeah I respect Tom Hardy for being a complete bad-ass. Makes me wish I had any kind of self control when it came to burritos and pizza, so that I wasn't always fluctuating between skinny fat and fat. So this stuff gives me motivation. Complete opposite of being gay. Makes me a manly man that I respect Tom Hardy for being a rock solid mass.

Roll the Tom Hardy performances: