Goodnight Sweet Prince

Paul William Walker IV (1973-2013)

Wait...did Boston beat New York again?

Yes.



Quote of the game:

Patrice Bergeron on Zdeno Chara's play today: "When you see that fire like he had, you want to step your game up. There's no better leader, no better defenseman in my mind."

Tony : People Don't Forget

Not that the Giants deserve anything.  But fuck the Cowboys.  Tony Romo is a chump.  Jerry Jones is a scumbag.

P.S. Marquette King fucked you guys up today.

Editors Note: Tony Romo may suck, but goddamn his wife is a smoke. Candance Romo can catch passes from me anyday.

Old People Dominate the World

The absolute best part of holiday gatherings is listening to stories about how my Grandpa, Kenny "fucking" Powers (shit you not), fucks with any and every complete stranger in public.  It's awesome.  Once you get to a certain age, you must just start giving zero fucks about what anyone thinks about you.  You've probably been exposed to the same single vagina for the past 50 years.  Everyone thinks your senile and shit your pants.  So why not take a jab back at society?  Ken completely takes advantage of the fact that "old people are always innocent".  Have you ever been nervous to call out an old person for being a complete dickhead because you're afraid you're going to get some sob story about a recent diagnosis in return?  Believe me.  Old people know what they're doing.

Hospital Wood
Kenny is going in for some kind of EKG heart monitoring sensing thing.  Whatever it's called.  Doesn't matter.  A nurse was sticking these on him:

If you have ever had these put on before, you know the nurse has to rub it in real nice so that she can rip your hair off later (like the evil bitch nurse she is).  So as Nurse Betty is putting these on Kenny, he turns to her and says, "You know, if you rub my chest any longer I'm going to have an organism".  No--that's not a spelling error.  He actually says "organism" rather than orgasm.  And I'm convinced it's so that he can receive senile sympathy treatment.  

Education vs. Wisdom
Lowe's should just stop hiring minors.  99% of the time they have zero knowledge about home improvement.  How could they?  Unless they're Mexican.  But then they wouldn't be able to speak English and provide customer service.  Case closed.  99%. 

Kenny walks into Lowe's and strikes up a conversation with a pimply-faced "paint specialist" (We'll call him Liam--Liam's a soft name).  Liam begins boasting about how he just graduated 150th out of 400 students in his high school.

Kenny: Wow, that's great.  You know--I graduated 101st in my class.

Liam: Unbelievable, that's quite an accomplishment!

Kenny: Yeah, but it was a class of 101.  But hey--at least I'm not working at Lowe's 5 nights a week!

No Toys in the Toy Box
Prostate removal is pretty common nowadays.  Based on Kenny's experience, I'd imagine that once you realize your pride and joy is being removed you have flashbacks of the most glorious cumshots.  Though those may have been created with the birth of the porn industry.  Chicken of the egg?

As Kenny's about to be put down, he turns to the nurse and tells her a story.

Kenny: When I was a kid...and I misbehaved...my Mom always took all of my toys out of the toy box... But she could never take toy away (as he points towards his groin). 

And that's how Kenny and his prostate parted ways.  I'm pretty glad to have the old bastard around.  Goes to show you that no matter what the situation is, there's always a way to make the best of it.

Best Dog Ever Wins Best In Show

Here's Jewel, an American Foxhound that stole my heart today at the National Dog Show in Philadelphia. This awesome dog won the Best in Show out of over 2,000 dogs.

Can't believe I was watching the Purina National Dog Show, but there's only so many horrible Black Friday commercials I can stomach before my ADD kicks in. Within seconds of watching weird old ladies and their very kickable dogs trot around like idiots, I noticed Jewel here stepping up to the blue carpet like the champion she would eventually become. I would've gambled everything I had that this pup was going all the way, but I'm not sure many bookies accept Dog Show bets. 

Future wife, if you're reading this...we are getting an American Foxhound and there's zero debate about it. If she shows up into my life with one of these:

I'll take it for a walk and accidentally lose it.

Happy Thanksgiving

Weird Al wants you to have a happy thanksgiving so you better. Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Rangers vs Bruins Showdown

Maybe its because I live in a state that borders Mexico, but I have never seen this commercial before. I love it. The terrible accents, refusing to drink a beer out of a cup with the rivals logo on it, wiping your ass with the enemy, it's an honest New York - Boston rivalry commercial. Its perfect. Cameos by Cam Neely and Mike Richter don't hurt. Neither does this Tony Siragusa lookin fucker....

Every hockey blog I post will have the top three league leaders in penalty minutes
Derek Dorsett (NY) - 93
Radko Gudas (TB)   - 68
Colton Orr (TOR)    - 68

Happy Thanksgiving

"Happy Thankgiving you Turks!"

Have a safe and happy day watching football and eating until you pass out. Be happy and no worries today!

(I wouldn't be upset if this was the new Redskins logo)

RU Hoops : Should we ask for Rice back?

Alright, let's forget I asked that question.  Sorry Eddie, I know it's too soon to give up hope, but you're sitting at 4-4 coming off a loss to fucking FDU.  You lost to Drexel and fucked up your chances to play in MSG for the NIT Tip-Off.  You've added "giving up 91 points to a half-retarded Division II school" to your resume (Stillman College--still convinced it's the school from Accepted).  And you narrowly escaped a loss to Yale.  You had about as much business winning that game as the Giants in '07.  But you came out with the victory.  

Frustrations aside, I've seen impressive individual play from several contributors.  Kadeem Jack carried the team over a weak Florida A&M with 30 points and 12 boards, 8 offensive.  Dude has looked like a physical freak over the competition at times.  Seagears dished out 9 assists to along with 15 points against Canisius, and has shown some small heat streaks behind the arc.  I was glad to see D'Von Campbell throw up 17 points against Stillman.  He's been flying under the radar as a guard who has been mixing in nicely with Mack and Seagears. 

I'm just hoping that the transition to the Big Ten isn't going to be miserable in both football AND basketball.  Give us hope again Eddie.  Grow and harvest the raw talent.  At least come up with some wins against Seton Hall and Princeton, and then we can talk AAC play.  If all else fails, maybe keep a Rice mask handy during practices.  Shake em up a bit, ya know?

Chandler Jones Wins AFC Defensive Player of the Month

It's so damn good to see Chandler Jones be such a productive player only 2 years into the league. This kid is gonna be, maybe already is, one of the league's best defensive ends. Why don't we take a look at his stats:

Statlines from ESPN.com

In 11 games played this season he already has more sacks, assists, total tackles, and combined tackles than the 14 games he played in last season. 10.5 sacks through November...that's Dwight Freeney numbers.

Here's the Top 5 sack leaders:

NFL.com

That's pretty good company if you ask me.

Even though he's basically the only pass rush the Pats have, he seems to get it done when it matters the most. So congrats Chandler. You beast.

BONUS:

Crack in a Bottle : Neuro Water

(drinkneuro.com) - neuro drinks is a line of great tasting drinks with a purpose—to enhance your daily life. each neuro drink has a carefully crafted blend of healthy vitamins and minerals that provide a specific benefit such as boosting mental performance, reducing stress and helping you sleep better.

If you haven't tried one yet, you don't know what you're missing out on.  This stuff is the bee's knees.  It's like the PG-13 version of street drugs.  Take "Passion" as an example, which is marketed to sustain energy, improve performance, increase drive and stamina, and enhance cognition.

Passion = Adderall

Sonic = Ecstacy

Sleep = Melatonin

Bliss =  Marijuana

I Firmly Believe This Is Real

How can these be your last words?

You have to admire the guy who stabbed this dude. Just totally called his bluff and raised him a butterfly knife to the jugular.

Moral of the story: Choose your words carefully/Be careful what you wish for.

Fake Facebook/Twitter Friends

There's absolutely nothing more frustrating that trying to figure out if you've met these people who just followed you or friend requested you out of the blue. First question when debating whether to hit follow back or confirm friend request is always, "Are you hot?". Typically the answer is always yes, that's how these viruses/NARC's/pedophile's get people to follow them.

Inevitably, they usually have zero mutual friends, and are often way too promiscuous to be a girl that you would actually talk to. This is where I usually make the decision to steer clear and just let this person fade away until I do some background research. Last thing I need is a virus on my work computer or have a cop show up at my house for looking through too many boobie pictures.

So, Valtrude from Botswana and Nicole Hildinger, I'm sorry but we are just not meant to be acquaintances on social media.

Side note: Literally every single one of Valtrude from Botswana's tweets are about mowing lawns. Not sure if that's a code word for eating box or shaving your pubes, but I want zero part of Valtrude.

The "Disney World for Adults" is going to be a shitshow for the Super Bowl

Hoboken's Super Bowl Plans -NEW JERSEY (MYFOXNY.COM) -

"Pier A in Hoboken offers picture-perfect city views. For the week of the Super Bowl this could also become part of the picture: an 18-foot Roman numeral sign made of steel placed right along the Hudson River.

"We don't want to be an afterthought so we got aggressive, says Scott Katz, the chairman of the Hoboken Events Committee. He says the sign and a plan to turn the pier into a giant ice skating rink are part of a proposal to draw tourists during the week of festivities leading up to the game.

"With the Manhattan image behind it," he says. "By establishing that now have ability to bring people to town and keep them in town."

The committee has been organizing different events for more than two years hoping to cash in on part of the $600 million expected to be generated by the Super Bowl.

Hoboken Council Member Jennifer Giattino is looking to keep down the costs for the city but knows business has the potential to be way up.

"Like Disney World for adults," Giattino says. "Even if you're not a football fan it doesn't matter -- just the excitement, everyone is there to have a good time."

Anthony Romano, the chairman of the Hudson County Board of Chosen Freeholders, says local labor unions are donating time to help get things set up.

"It will be a shot in the arm for the community and hopefully that the weather will hold up," Romano says. A shot in the arm for local businesses."

"We don't want to be an afterthought so we got aggressive".  Now I've never been to the mother-of-all daydrinking festivities Hoboken St. Patty's Day parade.  Mainly because I always bank on catching it the next year.  But this is the first time that the NFL is taking the risk in bringing the most televised sporting event to a cold-weather, high(er)-potential, market.  The Big Apple.  Concrete Jungle.  Jay-Z's playground.  And what lies between NYC and MetLife Stadium?  Hoboken.  Perfectly situated to bring in crowds from all over the country because nothing in E. Rutherford is worth more than 5 minutes of your time.  Combine that with the fact that Hoboken is one of the top cities for "single young professionals" (aka girls with big boobies who make money), and you're going to have one hell of a party.

No way I'm missing this potential once-in-a-lifetime experience.  You can find me about 13 deep with the Swedish babes at the waterfront curling lanes. 

Top 5 Awesome Jew Things - Happy Hannukah

Hannukah is here, which means little Jewish boys and girls look forward to shitty presents for 7 days in a row. My father was raised Jewish so I guess that makes me a half-Jew, even though I have never celebrated a singular Jewish holiday or even attended a Bat Mitzah. We've always talked about how it would be cool to celebrate some Jewish things, or even have more Jewish items in the house because believe it or not, there are some awesome Jew things. Here is a list of the top 5 Jewy things that you may or may not have heard of:

5.) Manischewitz Wine

This shit is the bombest kosher wine you can buy. My mom buys this occasionally just to sip on, but you could drink the whole bottle and literally not even be buzzed. It's a Passover staple.

4.) Matso/Matza/Matzah

The godfather of all Jewish food. Smother some cream cheese on these and you got a great snack. Or have your mom make you a matso ball soup...holy gamechanger when you're sick. They don't call it Jewish Penicillin for nothing.

3.) Dr. Brown's Sodas

Dr. Brown somehow perfected the art of making gross sounding flavors taste absolutely delicious. For example, "Cel-Ray" is actually celery flavored, but my Dad makes an annual trip to the Lower East Side every year just to pick these up. Also, Dr. Brown has the best cream soda ever made.

2.) Lox

You should just stop what you are doing and get one of these sandwiches immediately. Lox is the Yiddish word for Salmon, and that's exactly what this is. Cream cheese, salmon,  and onions on a bagel of your choice. An authentic NY treat.

1.) J.A.P.'s

Jewish American Princesses. I would do anything to marry one of these. You know they got money and they typically have big knockers. Combination made in heaven.

Those Mornings When You Wake Up and Feel Like...

Commence the holiday season.  Yes--I'm counting Thanksgiving Eve as a holiday, and a very underrated one at that.  Let's see how long it takes this year until we all decide that what we want most for Christmas is for Mariah Carey to shut the fuck up.

Reason 4509714 why New Jersey Sucks

Going to college in Massachusetts as a NJ native, I frequently heard the “Armpit of America” and “Jersey Shore” cheap shots.  They were never substantial arguments—I was just always outnumbered.  However, I stumbled upon this study recently and once again I’m left as defenseless as the New England Patriots (on February 3, 2008). 

In summary, these hippies from George Mason University conducted a study to evaluate each state’s freedom ranking in several categories.  Before I reveal some of the numbers, I’d like to point out that “pumping gas” is not on the list.  Some of you may be thinking…“Hmm well that sounds awesome that someone else will pump your gas for you.  Especially when it’s cold out”.  Well, someone else HAS to pump your gas.  That’s right—it’s illegal to pump your own gas in NJ.  So now I have a Middle-Eastern wrapped in 4 parkas on a warm spring afternoon with a pube-covered face containing sand from 10 years ago pumping my gas.  It literally took me 5 attempts to understand a “cash or credit” question last week.  After the first few miles of driving away without an explosion, I figured that an IED wasn’t strapped onto my car.  But it didn’t stop me from praying to Alah. 

Here are a few of NJ’s rankings:

Gambling #7

You’re up against competition like New Orleans and Vegas and let states like Iowa, Indiana, and Pennsylvania into the race?  Your neighbor? Better luck in the varsity tryouts next year Atlantic City.

Family Friendliness #45 
45 is bad.  But I’d rather not be on the other end of the spectrum.  Basically all of the Deep South.

Fiscal - #48

If Chris Christie gets elected—would anything change?  Maybe instead of being judged by the first lady for not eating organic vegetables, we’ll bring fat sandwiches to 12 new states.  

Overall #48

Whatever these bullshit rankings are, I’m okay with it as long as we can still have the Giants/Jets, Springsteen, diners, and a cosmetic sense of pride in New Jersey.   

Definitive List of Hottest Sports Reporters Part 1

In no particular order...

Jamie Erdahl, secretely murdering it rinkside covering the Bruins this year. She filled in for the Sox from time to time as well, doing a great job making Eck forget what to say even more often.

Heidi Watney, never thought she could be beat covering the Sox, although after I heard she banged half the clubhouse I was off this particular bandwagon. Her padawan, Jenny Dell, comes in later.

Lindsey Czarniak, which I googled for spelling, is the best looking anchorwoman at ESPN by a country mile*. 

Found out she's 36, which automatically qualifies for cougar status.

Holly Sonders, from the Golf Channel, is just a fox. 10/10 on anyone's scale.

Sam Ponder (Steele), ESPN sideline reporter, wife of Christian Ponder, the Week 1 starting QB for the Minnesota Adrian Petersons. Girl likes to fish.

Jenny Dell, the Queen of sports reporting. I'd probably pass out if she looked me in the eyes. 

Actually, we did lock eyes at the Sox parade... and I didn't pass out, I just yelled "JENNY I LOVE YOU" and she then proceeded to give a slight frown. I think that means we're friends.

*A country mile is approximately the space between Michael Strahan's teeth.

#FirePowers

First comment on the new blog is #FirePowers, thanks to Tim E.

First off, he hasn't even written a blog yet, so let's give him a chance.

Second off, I'd like to consider this as his official fresh start.

Kyle, good luck.

Thanksgiving Week Bender

So it is almost upon us, the annual post-high school grad bender that everyone sort of looks forward to. If you are still in school, its a great time catching up with your bros that go to schools miles away at a Townie bar or just nap all weekend on the couch and watch football. As a working man, it becomes going to your 5 year reunion and seeing people you have no desire seeing. Of these people, you have the following undesirables:

Pregnant/Momma friends:

Listen, I care less about your baby than I care about you, which is less than I care about practically anything.

Fat Friends that were once skinny:

Hey, have you lost weight since high school? No? Oops. Well let me buy you a shot so that maybe you can puke up the three Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers you just ate in the parking lot.

Skinny friends that were once fat:

Fuck these people. But what's your secret?

Married/Engaged couples:

Yawn...See what I said about the Pregnant ladies, and apply it tenfold.

Townies:

Actually make me feel pretty good about myself. But I am keeping my distance for sure, just in case they wanna quiz me on town history or demand answers as to why I wrote this blog.